


I Have Lost Myself Again

by Wrathoftherandom



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anxiety, Christophe Giacometti & Victor Nikiforov Friendship, Descriptions will not be graphic, Hurt Victor, I promise there will be a happy endng though, I'm not dead I swear!!!, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Mari is a good sis, Mild Language, Mild arguments, Phichit is the best of friends, Phichit's goddamn hamsters are great, Protective Yuri Plisetsky, Shy Katsuki Yuuri, Tags May Change, Trying to pack the feels but my writing isnt that good, Victor "kicked puppy" Nikiforov, Why must I make things dramatic?, get ready for some angst y'all, mention of depression, there will be an injury but it is NOT fatal or self induced
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-11-28
Packaged: 2018-10-20 08:37:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 24,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10658922
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wrathoftherandom/pseuds/Wrathoftherandom
Summary: After moving to St. Petersburg, Yuuri's anxiety is at its peak, and his thoughts start to overwhelm him. Despite his troubles, Yuuri explains only the bare minimum to a very confused Victor. Fake smiles and façades won't be enough.





	1. Afraid to Look at the Bright Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What could go wrong? According to Yuuri, everything.

 

 

_ The ice was as cold as it was beautiful. It was delicate, yet dangerous. Frozen, yet had the ability to warm hearts So simple, yet powerful enough to creep inside of someone’s dreams. Someone who had let the ice grace his life with its chilly fingertips. _

 

 Yuuri felt a warm hand brush a strand of dark hair from his face. Slowly, the man opened his brown eyes to see a pair of azure ones staring back at him.

 

“Our flight has landed, моя любовь,” Victor whispered, pure adoration dripping from his face.

 

The Russian phrase was one Yuuri heard often, but he still had no idea what it meant. Whenever he asked Yurio for the translation, the teen would only reply with eyerolls and various strings of insults.  _ Maybe I can ask the other members of the Russian team, if they don't think it's too stupid.  _ It was at that moment that Yuuri actually registered where he was at and what he was doing.

 

“ _Yuuri,_ we are going to be late if you don’t hurry up. We can't have Yakov waiting, _”_ Victor urged, only driving the realization deeper into the man’s chest. He was about to get off a plane landed in St. Petersburg. He was _moving_ to St. Petersburg… _with Victor_ … _his_ _idol_ … _his boyfriend_. Most people would be ecstatic if they had the opportunity to move in with the living legend, let alone be in a relationship with him, but the whole idea only made Yuuri’s stomach churn. _What if I screw this up? No, I can't let that happen. Victor gave me a chance and I can’t throw it away. There still is the possibility that it can happen though…_

“S-sorry,” he stammered the apology before standing up and grabbing his carry-on bag.

 

“No need to apologize. I can tell you are horribly jetlagged.” Victor chuckled and grasped Yuuri's free hand. “You can take a nap when we get to the apartment. The drive isn't that far from the airport, about 45 minutes if traffic is light. We can take it easy when we get there.”

 

 A small wave of relief washed over the Japanese man. Rest sometimes helped him take the edge off of his worries. Emphasis on sometimes. On particularly bad days, rest allowed for Yuuri's mind to wander off into troublesome places, only amping up his anxiety. Hopefully, today would not be one of those days.

Finally, the two skaters departed from the plane and went over to the baggage claim, where Yuuri's two hefty suitcases were collected. Yuuri wasn't sure how long he would be staying in Russia, so he made sure to pack enough to last him through the year. If all went well, he would remain there throughout the next skating season. But things didn't always go well, as far as Yuuri was concerned. What if he was rejected by the other skaters? What if the world lost interest in him? What if he just got in the way? Ultimately, there are many scenarios in which his training with Victor may not work out, and he could be forced to leave or retire. Yuuri, of course, had thought of all of them.

 

With all of this swirling in his head, Yuuri released an audible sigh as he rolled his suitcases to the lobby.

 “Is everything alright?” Victor inquired, noticing the look on the other man's face. “Yeah! Everything is wonderful,” he replied, pasting on a counterfeit grin. “I'm glad to hear it.” Victor leaned over to brush his lips on the top of Yuuri's head, causing him to tense up. Although Victor's affections were plenty, Yuuri's blood still managed to rush to his cheeks whenever they were displayed. The two had gotten close alarmingly fast. Some people even thought they were _ too  _ close for anything to be professional. Regardless of how the world viewed them, they stuck together. Still, Yuuri didn’t just want to be the man that stole Victor from skating, contradicting his thoughts earlier on. Yuuri had everything he ever wanted, yet his life was so far from perfect.

 “Yuuri!” The same voice called his name out once again. “You are being especially spacey today. I doubt this is just jetlag.” Over the course of time, Victor had learned to be more perceptive when it came to Yuuri’s mood. He noticed the clear unease on Yuuri’s face, how he pressed his lips together in a straight line and his brown eyes were locked on the floor. “Please tell me what is bothering you.” He turned to place his hands on the other man’s shoulders. “Are you nervous?”

 

“A little bit,” Yuuri squeaked out, keeping his gaze focused on the floor. 

 

“Is it because Yakov is picking us up? I know how intimidating he can be. In fact, I’ll have to face the music when he sees me. I doubt he’s too pleased that I decided to return on a whim after being gone for so long.” Victor let out a chuckle at his own statement. Yuuri, on the other hand, found no humor in his words. “That’s my fault, I’m sorry,” he apologized timidly.

 

“Sorry? Why are you sorry? My inspiration had left me. I was dead. You changed that.” He cupped his partner’s face. “You changed my life.” Victor started to lean in when an angry voice called out from across the airport.

 

“Oi Victor! Katsudon! Stop being gross and get your asses over here!” Sure enough, Yurio was waving them down, clad head to toe in leopard print. A scowling Yakov stood beside him, his impatience horribly obvious. “What took you so long?” the coach snapped.

 

“A simple ‘how was your flight?’ would have sufficed,” Victor replied. “Besides, we can’t control the pilot’s speed or how many people decided to crowd the airport.”

 

 Yakov glared at Victor from underneath his hat. “I see you still have that smart mouth of yours, yes? I would think spending so much time with Katsuki would get rid of those nasty habits, but it seems the opposite has happened.” The older man turned to Yuuri. “I pity you, Katsuki. You have to live with this idiot.” 

“It can’t be that bad. I already had to deal with his antics during the Grand Prix.” Victor paled at the retort. “You have wounded me Yuuri,” he gasped, dramatically placing a hand on his chest. Yuuri only gave a soft giggle in return.

 

“You had that one coming for you old man,” Yurio chimed in, “but I didn’t expect it from Katsudon.” The teen smirked and nudged Victor, who still had a dejected look pasted on his face. “What can I say?” Yuuri shrugged. “As much as I love Victor, he can get on my nerves.”

Yurio playfully punched his rival’s arm. “That’s my Katsudon! Maybe you aren’t so bad after all.”

Victor’s reaction wasn’t as enthusiastic as the younger skater’s.  “I see how it is. I leave everything to coach you, help you win silver, let you live with me, and this is my payment?” The silver haired made sure to feign hurt with the same dramatics as before, all to Yuuri’s amusement. 

 

“You know I’m just joking,” he admitted, a grin creeping up at the corners of his mouth. Victor draped himself over the other man, ignoring Yurio and Yakov all together. “I knew you didn’t hate me!” He exclaimed before pressing a wet kiss to Yuuri’s cheek.

 

“Ugh, you two are disgusting,” Yurio commented.

 

“I wouldn’t be talking after your exhibition skate,” Victor fired back with a devilish look in his eyes.

 

“There was nothing wrong with my skate! It was actually cool unlike yours! Beka and I looked awesome, while you and Katsudon just gazed into each other’s eyes and other sappy shit,” Yurio snapped.

 

“Since when is Otabek  _ Beka _ ?” the older man teased, wiggling his eyebrows.

 

“SHUT UP, OLD MAN!” Yurio attempted to lunge at Victor, but Yakov’s massive arm restrained him. “You two can sort this out later. I took time out of my busy schedule because you insisted on a ‘welcoming crew’ or something. Don’t make me wait any longer,” the coach barked. 

 

“Love you too, Yakov,” Victor returned mockingly. He began moving forward once more, still keeping a firm grasp on Yuuri’s hand. The two other Russian men walked beside the couple, shooting them annoyed looks whenever they had the chance.

 

After a few security checks and some walking, the group of four made it to the parking garage where Yakov’s car was located.

 

“A bit of a downgrade from what I’ve seen you drive,” Victor commented and motioned towards the vehicle.

 

“Well, divorce doesn’t make things very easy, now does it. Neither does losing my star skater,” Yakov grunted.

 

“If Yura keeps winning gold, I don’t think you’ll have a problem with losing me. Although, I do plan on having my Yuuri win gold. There is a certain promise we intend to keep,” Victor threw in with a smile.

 

Yuuri’s face reddened, and he nudged Victor in the ribs. “Don’t say stuff like that,” he whispered. 

 

“Why not? I’m telling the truth, aren’t I? You want to win gold, don’t you?”

 

“Yes, but I don’t want to flaunt it. Especially not to the gold medalist of the Grand Prix and his coach!” Panic coursed through every vein in Yuuri’s body. This was  _ not  _ the impression he was wanting to make on Yakov. They hadn’t gotten off to a good start as it was, and Yuuri was really hoping to mend that broken relationship. His boyfriend’s big mouth was only making things worse. He felt his hands shake and his face burn. 

 

“Let’s get in the car before Victor says anything else that’s stupid or Katsudon has a heart attack,” Yurio suggested as he stepped by the front passenger’s door. Yakov nodded and unlocked the vehicle, allowing for the rest of them to enter. 

 

The four men sat in silence until they exited the parking garage. “Are we going to your apartment or the skating rink?” Yakov asked gruffly.

 

“My apartment, if you don’t mind. I need to unpack and get back to Makkachin. Speaking of which, make sure to tell your grandpa that I appreciate that he dog-sat for me, Yura. I’ll make sure to pay him when I get the chance.” The teen made a small grunt of acknowledgement and continued scrolling down his phone. 

 

Besides that, the rest of the ride was relatively quiet. Yuuri wordlessly marveled at the architecture and bustle of St. Petersburg. If he remembered correctly, Victor’s apartment was part of the remodeled flats in the historical district. Sure enough, after about an hour’s worth of driving, they pulled up to a beautifully designed building full of old charm. 

 

“Here we are!” Victor cheered. “Well, don’t just sit there. Get your stuff out of the trunk,” Yakov directed. “Oh, and Victor,” he started again with a softer tone of voice, “Относитесь к своему другу хорошо.” 

 

“ Я буду,” he replied.

 

Once again, Yuuri was puzzled by the foreign words. He would have to learn some of the language in the time he spent in Russia, but instead of trying to decode what the two men were saying, Yuuri left the car to get his bags. Soon after, Victor joined him, taking the heavier luggage.

 

“I can get those, you know,” Yuuri protested.

 

“It’s fine!” Victor assured him. “You are tired anyway. I wouldn’t want you to collapse on your first day in St. Petersburg because I made you lift too much while you were half asleep. What kind of coach would I be?”

 

The two walked up to the door where Victor punched in the entrance code. “I’ll give you the code later,” he told Yuuri. Once it was unlocked, they walked into the complex and headed to the elevator.

 

“Г-н Никифоров !” a sing-song voice called. A slim, elderly woman approached them.  “Галя!” Victor exclaimed in return. “Long time no see,” he added in English. 

 

“Ah, yes,” she responded, her accent thicker than Victor’s. “You went off chasing a boy, yes?”

 

He shot a semi-threatening look to the woman as his face heated up. “Why, your English must be a little rusty because you worded that incorrectly.”

 

“I think you are the one who is mistaken, Ребенок,” she replied, mischief glowing in her hazel eyes.

 

Yuuri quietly observed the odd exchange between his partner and this unknown woman in confusion.  _ Did he forget I was here? What are they saying? Why does that lady keep looking at me? _

 

“Hey,Yuuri,” Victor finally cut in, “this is Galya, the owner of the apartment complex and a pain in my side.”

 

Yuuri gave a small wave to the lady, who was currently scowling at Victor. She spun around and held out her hand, which Yuuri promptly shook. “Nice to finally meet you,” Galya greeted with a smile. “I have heard many things about you, all good of course. I hope you help this stubborn man become something more that an arrogant ass,” she added.

 

“I’ll try my best,” Yuuri told her while stifling a laugh. It seemed that there was a side to Victor that only the people who knew him personally ever saw. However, he had yet to experience this attitude himself, even though he was in a relationship with the man.  _ Is he hiding his actual personality on purpose? Can he not trust me with that? I feel like there is a missing piece in the puzzle that is Victor Nikiforov. _

 

“We should be going, now. Both of us need to get some rest,” Victor threw out. He desperately wanted to get out of the situation he was currently in. Loose lipped Galya would blab about Victor’s infatuation with Yuuri after the banquet if they stayed any longer. That fact was to be revealed at a later time, preferably once they were already married and things like this wouldn’t be awkward.

 

“Well, it was nice to see you two boys, especially the famed Yuuri Katsuki.” Galya winked and walked away. Victor hastily pulled Yuuri to the elevator and pushed him in. 

 

“Pay no mind to her. That woman is nothing more than the devil in high heels,” Victor snapped.

 

“Um, o-okay,” Yuuri stammered. The lurch of the elevator unsettled his stomach even more than it had been previously. 

 

_ Ding!  _ The elevator stopped at the third floor and the doors opened, revealing a small corridor of rooms.

 

“We have the first door,” Victor informed Yuuri. He dug around in his pockets for his keys which hadn’t been used in what felt like ages. After they were found, Victor unlocked the door and pushed it open. Immediately, he was greeted by a flying ball of fur down as Makkachin. The poodle nearly knocked the man down. He crouched down beside the dog and rubbed his ears.

 

“Makkachin!” Victor cried gleefully. “Did you miss me?” The dog yipped in response. “I even brought Yuuri. He’s going to live with us now! Isn’t it great?” Makkachin moved over to Yuuri and covered his hands in sloppy dog kisses. 

 

Victor stood up and planted a kiss between Yuuri’s eyes. “Welcome home, моя любовь,” he whispered as the other man stared in awe at the luxury of the apartment.  _ Home…  _

 

“We can settle in later if you want to go ahead and relax. I’m a bit tired myself.” Yuuri nodded and rolled his suitcases next to one of Victor’s many bookcases. As he did so, Victor pulled off his partner’s jacket.

 

“I’ll go ahead and hang this up.” He gestured to the coatrack by the door. 

 

“Oh, thanks,” Yuuri peeped. Anxiously, the man scanned the room, attempting to process everything that was happening.  _ I will be staying here now. No, I will be living here.   _ Fear bubbled up from deep in his stomach.  _ I’m so far away from everything I’ve ever known? What if it doesn’t work? What if…  _

 

His restless thoughts were interrupted by the feeling of a plush blanket being thrown over his shoulders. “Sit down and unwind a little. You seem awfully tense today.” 

 

A kind hand guided the aloof man down to the deceivingly cozy couch. Almost instinctively, Yuuri scrunched himself over to the corner and placed his head between two of the cushions. Suddenly, an unfamiliar weighed leaned on his chest. Victor had curled up next to him, halfway sitting in Yuuri’s lap. Cautiously, Yuuri lowered his own head to rest it next to Victor’s. 

 

Their hair swirled together like a blend of coffee and silver, and each of their drowsy breaths were in sync. Everything was so perfect and dreamlike. Yuuri had never been so content in his life. He also had never been so nervous.

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo....
> 
> This is the first fic I've written in a while, so I hope it's not as cringey as I think it is *dies* 
> 
> My writing format is also kinda weird but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ 
> 
> Anyway, down to the "serious" stuff. I really have no scheduled posting day yet, but this WILL HAVE MULTIPLE CHAPTERS!!!! Each chapter will be somewhat short and may switch general POVs. I already have must of the story planned out, but my indecisive self might change a few things.
> 
> The work's title is a line from the song "Breath Me" by Sia, and the chapter's title is a line from "Nervous" by X Ambassadors
> 
> I honestly have no idea what I'm doing so let's see how this goes!!!!!


	2. It Was Always You Falling For Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First full day in St. Petersburg. Both men have their doubts, but can they be resolved?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long! Life bitch slapped me this month. Hopefully my posting schedule will be better now.

 

Morning light streamed in from the tall window in Victor’s bedroom, decorating the silence with shining beauty. The silver haired man rolled over to see another face peacefully sleeping beside him.  _ Yuuri.  _ In Victor’s eyes, Yuuri was an angel sent to help him remove his ever present demons. Never did Victor think that the drunken banquet boy would end up being one of the people he cared about the most. By mistake had he thought of him only as a fan. By chance had they met again that night. By fate had that video been posted, well Victor thought so at least. Now he lie there watching the ways the sun reflected off of Yuuri’s face, enhancing his soft appearance to something exceedingly angelic. More than anything, he wanted to reach out and stroke his soft cheeks, hoping that some of the other man’s warmth would rub off on him. 

 

_ What did I do to deserve someone like Yuuri? _

 

Sleepy sounds and movement broke Victor’s quiet thoughts. “When did I get here?” Yuuri mumbled as he rubbed his eyes. His slept on hair poked out in different directions, something Victor found particularly adorable.

 

“You fell asleep on the couch last night. Out cold. I didn’t want you to be sore in the morning so I carried you to bed,” Victor explained. He recounted the slight hesitation he felt when he made the decision. The entire time he carried Yuuri away, Victor was thinking of all of the possible consequences of the action. At least Yuuri was just tired, not drunk.

 

“Oh,” Yuuri responded, too sleepy to really register what Victor had said. He sat up and took in his surroundings. Clothing was scattered around the floor and a clump of gold medals hung from the doorknob of what appeared to be a closet.

 

“Is this… is this your room?” Yuuri finally asked after a long pause. Red creeped up on the boy’s cheeks and the tips of his ears. 

 

Victor nodded in response, grinning as he noticed Yuuri’s growing blush. “Nothing happened, if that’s what you’re worried about.” He winked. “You barely even moved at all last night. I was halfway worried you were dead.” The man chuckled to himself before sitting up.

“I have a spare bedroom if you would want to use that instead, though it is pretty small compared to this,” he offered reluctantly. The selfish part of Victor wanted to wake up with Yuuri every morning, they were pretty much dating at this point anyway, but he knew that Yuuri’s preference was priority. 

 

“Um, I can stay in the spare room if it’s easier for you. I don’t want to get in the way.” Yuuri self consciously tugged on the sleeve of his shirt, as if rubbing the fabric would make all of his worries go away.

 

Victor frowned. “Yuuri, don’t ever think that you get in the way. My home is now your home. What is mine is also yours. Okay?” He stood up and stretched before walking around to embrace the ball of nerves on the other side of the bed. “You help me more than you know,” Victor whispered almost inaudibly into the other man’s hair.

 

Sadly, Yuuri slipped away from Victor’s arms all too fast. “I should really, uh, get ready. I don’t want to make us late.”

 

“If you say so,” Victor sighed, crossing his arms. “There are bathrooms on the other side of the room and across the hall if you want a shower. As for breakfast…we’ll have to stop somewhere on our way to the rink. I need to go shopping.”

 

Yuuri nodded in appreciation before leaving the room to find his things. Victor noticed the abnormal air of unease that surrounded the boy. He really was a puzzle.

 

_ What did I do wrong? I was too up close and personal, wasn’t I? No. that can’t be it. I act like that all the time. I introduced myself naked for God’s sake. Is something bothering him, or am I just overthinking all of this?  _

 

Although Victor was still troubled that he didn’t have an answer as to why Yuuri was acting so distant, he started preparing himself for the day. After rummaging around his closet for a considerable amount of time, Victor finally settled on a simple pair of black trousers and a black long sleeve shirt. When he finished changing, he went out to the living room. Makkachin, who had slept between him and Yuuri most of the night, was definitely due for a walk.

 

As soon as Victor emerged from the bedroom, the dog bounded up to his owner and almost knocked him down. “Okay, okay. I’ll take you out.” He ruffled the dog’s ears and went to fetch the leash, but a loud series of ‘ _ pings’  _ distracted him.

 

Yuuri’s phone lie on the side table next to the couch, going off nonstop. The sound of running water signalled that Yuuri was getting ready to shower. Out of curiosity, Victor picked up the device to see who was so desperately trying to get ahold of Yuuri.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Phichit:**

How was ur flight?

 

**Phichit:**

Did u get there all right?

 

**Phichit:**

Is ur phone not on yet?

 

**Phichit:**

Yuuri?

 

**Phichit:**

Katsuki Yuuri!

 

**Phichit:**

YUURI!!!!!!!!

 

**Phichit:**

PICK  UP  YOUR  PHONE 

 

**Phichit:**

I’m starting to get worried that u are dead 

or smthn!!!!!!!

 

**Phichit:**

Yuuri I really hope u just fell asleep… 

 

**Phichit:**

I’ll give you until it’s morning in Russia.

You better answer or I am going to DM 

Victor on IG… 

 

**Phichit:**

Actually no

He might be the reason you are missing

 

**Phichit:**

I swear if he did anything to you… 

I will punch him or worse!!!!!!!

I WILL KILL VICTOR   
NIKIFOROV IF I HAVE TO!!!!!

 

**Phichit:**

IT’S MORNING AND YOU STILL 

HAVENT SAID A DANG THING TO

ME!!!! I AM FREAKING OUT RN!!!

 

**Phichit:**

DO I HAVE TO SEND OUT A SEARCH 

PARTY TO RUSSIA?????!!!!!!!!!

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The frantic text messages from Phichit gave Victor quite a laugh, although he was slightly intimidated by that the Thai skater after he threatened on his life. Not wanting him to worry anymore, Victor decided he might as well reply.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Me:**

Hello, Phichit, this is Victor! I heard

Yuuri’s phone going off and saw that

he neglected to contact you when he

arrived. I’d like to assure you that he 

is safe and sound. Have a good rest 

                                                                                         of your day!

**Phichit:**

You could've told him to respond.

 

**Me:**

He’s in the shower right now and I 

didn’t want to make you wait.

 

**Phichit:**

How can I trust you??? For all I 

know you could of sold Yuuri off

to some human trafficking gang!!

 

**Me:**

Oh no! My secret has been revealed! 

                                                                                              I, Victor Nikiforov, am part of a gang!

                                                                                            To get your precious Yuuri back you

                                                                                           must pay the ransom of all of your

                                                         hamsters!!!

 

**Phichit:**

*le gasp*

NOT THE HAMSTERS!!!! XD

 

**Phichit:**

But in all seriousness I need to 

know that Yuuri is ok for sure

Send a picture or something

 

**Me:**

He’s still in the shower… 

 

**Phichit:**

When has that ever stopped you?

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

 

**Me:**

I swear to god Phichit… 

 

**Phichit:**

Don’t act like it isn’t obvious that

you are the thirstiest man on the 

planet.

 

**Me:**

You know Yuuri will probably

                                                                                            see these right?

 

**Phichit:**

Good

He’ll finally realize how blind he

has been with you.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Phichit’s last text unsettled the Russian man. Yuuri’s friend was more perceptive than he previously let on. Despite the occasional suggestive post or tag on Instagram, Victor hadn’t known that the Thai skater was this adept to the situation. Come to think of it, Phichit himself was a mystery. The only real information Victor had about the selfie-loving boy were from his posts and stories Yuuri told about him when they lived together in Detroit. It was also evident that many of the other skaters were weary around the lively twenty year old.

 

_ Be careful with this one. I doubt he’s trouble but still…  _

 

Quiet filled the apartment once again.

 

_ Yuuri must be done with his shower. I’ll have him sort this whole Phichit mess out. _

 

As soon as Yuuri opened the bathroom door, towel wrapped around his waist and all, Victor sprinted over to the man, as did Makkachin had done to him earlier. 

 

“Phichit thinks that I sold you off to some gang. You better talk to him soon before he comes to kill me,” Victor blurted out hurriedly as he shoved the phone into Yuuri’s hands. 

Mildly confused, Yuuri laughed as he tried to process everything that Victor had spilled out. “I’ll make sure to do that. Wouldn’t want you dead, now would we?” Succeeding some slight hesitation and heavy blushes, Yuuri quickly pecked Victor’s cheek before running off to get a change of clothes.

 

It took all of his effort for Victor to hold back an excited squeal. Maybe Yuuri was finally getting back to his normal self.

 

**______________________________________________________________________________**

 

“I’m surprised Ciao Ciao let you stop to chat during a practice,” Yuuri spoke to the screen where Phichit’s face was smiling back at him. 

 

“When I explained that you hadn’t said anything to me for a  _ whole day _ , he let it slide,” the boy answered.

 

“So you annoyed him until he gave in?” Yuuri smirked. After many years of living with Phichit, he was accustomed to the other skater’s tricks and antics. 

 

“You know me so well,” he giggled. “Anyway, how is Russia? Does it live up to your expectations?” Phichit tapped his chin with one of his gloved fingers, waiting for his friend’s response.

 

“If by expectations, you mean ridiculously cold, then yeah. Other than that, I haven’t seen much besides what I passed on the way to Victor’s apartment. I fell asleep right after we got home,” Yuuri huffed, recounting the experience.

 

“ _ Home,  _ huh?” Phichit wiggled his eyebrows. “So you are already referring to Victor’s place as  _ home. _ ”

 

Yuuri groaned at his mistake. “It just slipped out! I didn’t mean it like that. I’m not even sure how long I’ll stay here, that is completely Victor’s decision.”

 

“If Victor had his way, he’d probably let you stay forever.” The Thai skater shrugged and took a sip from his water bottle

 

“What makes you think that?” Yuuri flushed and adjusted his glasses. He was just another skater who didn’t even begin to compare to Victor. It was a miracle that the living legend even took notice of him at all. Victor himself had called him mediocre back in Hatsetsu. Half of the time Yuuri felt as if he were out stepping his boundaries with the other man. Victor was always affectionate and clingy with him, but a ball of fear always twisted up inside of Yuuri whenever he returned those affections. He didn’t feel worthy.

 

“Reason number one: he loves you. Reason number two: he loves you. Reason number three: guess what? He loves you! Come on, Yuuri, it’s blatantly obvious. He kissed you on national television!” Phichit rambled

 

“That was because I surprised him so he-” Yuuri didn’t have time to finish his sentence before he was cut off. 

 

“Don’t forget that night we all went out to eat in Barcelona. When I said something about your rings, he said you two were getting married after you won the gold medal! YOU GUYS HAVE ENGAGEMENT RINGS FOR GOODNESS SAKE! DON’T ACT LIKE HE DOESN’T LIKE YOU!”

 

At this point, Yuuri’s face was consumed by a sheet of scarlet as he displayed an expression of sheer embarrassment. “Y-yeah I-I guess you do kinda, have a point with that.” He paused. “The r-rings were actually only meant to be a good luck t-type of thing.”

 

“Why are you so flustered? It’s not like we’re talking about if you two have ha-” Phichit started.

 

“Phichit Chulanont, don’t you dare finish that sentence!” Yuuri quickly snapped, knowing that it could lead to trouble. 

 

The mischievous boy gave a laugh. “What did you think I was going to say?”

 

“On that note, I have to go! We’re supposed to be at the rink by 8:00, and it’s already 7:23. I haven’t eaten and I still need to unpack my skates.”

 

Looking unbelievably crestfallen, Phichit sighed. “If you say so. Make sure to call or text me as soon as you can. I want to make sure you’re doing all right.”

 

Yuuri nodded. “I promise. The last thing I need is for you to freak out again. Those texts were pretty intense.”     

 

“So you did read them?” A different voice called out. Victor popped his head into the bedroom, his nose and cheeks red from the bite of cold. He waved at the screen in front of Yuuri. “Hi Phichit!” The other boy waved in return, with a bright smile on his face.

 

“Sorry to interrupt. I promise I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop I just came back from picking up breakfast and taking Makkachin out on a walk,” Victor explained as he sat a paper bag and cup of coffee down in front of Yuuri. The Japanese man nodded in thanks and peered at the contents inside of the bag.

 

“That’s okay, we were just about done anyway,” Phichit chimed in. “It’s nice to see that you’ve been treating Yuuri well. I can't stand living so far away from him and not knowing I'd he’s okay!”

 

“I don't think I could ever purposely do anything to hurt my little katsudon, so you don't have to worry about that,” Victor beamed while ruffling Yuuri’s hair.  

 

The sense of peace surrounding Yuuri was enough reassurance for Phichit. “I’ll leave you two alone now. Celestino is probably getting impatient. See ya!” He waved and ended the chat before anyone could say anything else.

 

“We need to get going soon,” he whispered. His hands were both on Yuuri’s shoulders, noticing the tense muscles underneath. Gently, he tried to massage away the stiffness, but Yuuri shrugged away yet again.

 

“Yeah, I have find my skates,” he offered as an excuse. 

 

“I guess you do,” Victor huffed with an expression of discontent. Why did Yuuri have to move away? Why did he not seem to want attention anymore? Was something wrong? Was he doing something wrong? Each question sprung up in Victor’s head, eating away at him like acid. Hoping that the attitude change was only a result of having to move, Victor decided it would be best if he carried on with his day and try to brush off Yuuri’s behavior.

 

“There they are!” Yuuri cheered from the other room. His belongings were strewn on the living room floor from rummaging through his suitcase. The boy triumphantly held up his pair of black ice skates. “I was starting to get worried that I forgot them!” He attempted to shove everything back in its place when Victor intervened. 

 

“Don’t worry about cleaning that up now.” The older man’s lips curled up into a small grin. “I make enough messes for the both of us, anyway. Let’s just focus on getting to the rink, yes?”

 

Yuuri gave an eager nod and stood up. He gathered up his coat, scarf, and hat before waiting by the door.

 

Yuuri Katsuki was as peculiar as he was amazing; a fascinating puzzle Victor intended to solve. How could his mood change like the flick of a switch.

 

_ Emotions are too complex,  _ Victor thought as he grabbed his keys and went to meet Yuuri by the door. 

 

“Ready to leave, моя любовь?” he asked, gesturing toward the door with his keys in his hand.

 

Yuuri answered with a shy nod and exited the apartment with Victor close behind.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

“Here we are!” Victor announced as they approached the entrance of the rink. 

 

Yuuri stood in awe in front of the complex. Suddenly memories of childhood wistfulness flooded back. His younger self had dreamed of skating on the same ice as Victor Nikiforov _ ,  _ but now he wasn’t just skating with Victor, he was walking with him, eating with him, living with him. Everything was blissfully domestic, yet utterly terrifying. Standing in front of the ice rink drove both fear and wonder into his chest like twin railroad spikes. This place and its people could take Yuuri up with loving arms, or coldly push him away.

 

“You keep freezing up, Yuuri. It can’t be that cold outside!” Victor teased. He enveloped the smaller man in a smothering hug. “Is this better? I mean, we could just go inside like normal people, but this feels like a much better solution to me.” Silver strands of hair spilled onto Yuuri’s shoulder as Victor lowed his head.

 

“IS THERE EVER A TIME WHEN YOU TWO AREN’T BEING DISGUSTING?” a voice shouted. An enraged Yurio  descended down the front steps. “Yakov sent me to go check and see if you morons even decided to get out of bed. I don’t get why he’s so damn concerned. It’s not like he’s even coaching either one of you. Tch.”

 

Victor stifled laughter. “Poor Yura,” he mocked. “You have to sacrifice your precious practice time to check on us gross old men. It truly is difficult being a young gold medalist. I wouldn’t know  _ anything _ about that.”

 

“SHOVE IT BALDY!” Yurio yelled, furiously shoving his hands in his pockets. “Now, stop being a smart ass and get inside before we lock you out!”

 

“You really think I don’t have a key?” Victor snorted. “I’ve spent the better part of my life here; I never stopped practicing. Once I was responsible enough, the owners said I could have a key as long as I kept winning gold.”

 

“You didn’t win gold this time. Neither did the piggy.  _ I _ did. Maybe I should ask for a key,” the teen sneered.

 

“Ah, you do have a point…” Victor paused to quirk his lips into a smirk. “But I did say that they gave me a key once I was  _ responsible  _ enough. You are not as near as responsible as I was,  Маленький котенок.”

 

“You? Responsible? That is the worst lie I have ever heard. You call being responsible dropping your career to answer some international booty call from a drunken idiot?”

 

Yuuri blushed brightly, realizing that the drunken idiot in question was him. Afterall, he did invite Victor to Hatsetsu that awful, awful night. Sometimes, he wished no one had told him what happened at the banquet, for the sake of his dignity. 

 

“OI! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?” Yurio shouted, pointing an accusing finger at a flustered Victor. However, the silver haired man was staring intently at Yuuri, who seemed equally as uncomfortable.

 

“Just ignore him. He is an irrational teenager that knows nothing of life,” Victor whispered into Yuuri’s ear. He could tell that any mention of the banquet deeply embarrassed the other man to a point of wanting to completely leave the conversation. Of course, Yurio had to go mess things up even more. 

 

“Shall we go inside?” he hastily proposed in an attempt to switch the topic before anymore damage was done.

 

“I thought you’d never ask,” Yurio spat out. The boy started towards the entrance, not bothering to see if the other two were following him. There was a certain harshness to the way that he walked so that it was almost as if he were meeting the ground with violent jabs rather than steps. For a figure skater and ballerina, Yurio surely was not delicate in his normal movements. At least he wasn’t today.

 

Finally, the three skaters found themselves inside of the facility. Although the building was warmer than the frigid cold of St. Petersburg’s streets, the chill from the ice was ever present. Even the small cluster of people inside didn’t add much warmth to the atmosphere.

 

Speaking of people, Yuuri started picking out faces in the crowd. A redheaded woman, Mila Babicheva he remembered, was staring at her phone with a wicked grin plastered on her face. Georgi Popovich was bitterly circling around the rink, not giving much acknowledgement to any of the other skaters. Yakov had his back propped against the wall with his hat resting on his brow in a dangerous fashion. Yuuri felt an unwanted tension in the room.  _ He didn’t belong here, did he? _

 

On the other hand, Victor felt the warm hug of familiarity wrap its loving arms around him. This is the place he willingly invested his youth, his time, his life. Everything felt exactly the same: Mila’s jokes, Georgi’s drama, Yurio’s attempts at being edgy. Everything was the same with the exception of Victor himself. Something new swelled up in his chest, replacing the numbing void that was once present.  _ Love. _ So much love he couldn’t contain himself. So much love that he no longer felt deprived of life. How had he gone on so long without it?

 

“Hey… um… Victor?” Yuuri timidly tugged on Victor’s sleeve.

 

The other man’s thoughts broke, and he looked down to address Yuuri. “What is it,  Маленький котенок?”

 

“Where do you want me to go? I feel like an outsider here,” he squeaked. The Japanese boy wearily shifted his gaze to the floor. 

 

Victor ran his hands through Yuuri’s dark hair and stroked his cheek with his thumbs. “I know that this is a big change for you, but you don’t have to feel like that. I know for a fact that everybody here is glad to have you, even Yurio and Yakov, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Most importantly, _I_ am glad to see you here. With that being said, don’t forget that I’m here if you need to talk.” He smiled and moved his hands down to hold Yuuri’s. “There are some lockers and changing rooms down the hallway, but you can put your stuff by one of the benches. It’ll just be us and the Russian team today.”

 

Yuuri gave a little nod before heading to one of the mentioned benches. After sitting down to put on his skates, Mila walked on over. 

 

“Good to see you here Yuuri!” she greeted cheerily. “I have to admit, I was pretty excited when I heard you were moving to Russia. Victor rants and rants about you, so it’s only appropriate that we finally get to spend time with you.” The Russian woman threw her arms around Yuuri’s neck as if they had known each other for ages.

 

“Here I am, I guess,” Yuuri chuckled. “I’m not much to talk about,” He shrugged and pulled off his shoes.

 

“Oh, that can’t be true! Victor makes it sounds like you’re a god or something! He is the most dramatic person besides Georgi, but he does have a knack for finding good people like you.” Mila poked Yuuri’s arm. “Besides, he says you can cook! You made him lunch or something.”

 

“I’m an okay cook,” Yuuri responded. “I don’t even come close to my mom, though. No matter how many times I’ve tried to make her katsudon recipe, it never tastes  as good,” he mumbled partially to himself.

 

“Yurio mention something about this katsudon stuff. It sounds delicious! Even if it isn’t as good as your mom’s, I’d still love to try it! We should all have dinner together sometime. It would be a good opportunity for you to get to know us better.”

 

“I’d have to talk with Victor and Yakov. I know some of you are going to the European Championship soon?”

 

“We all qualified at Nationals, so yes. That is if Georgi doesn’t get too caught up about Anya again. I swear he can’t keep a stable love life,” she muttered.

 

“Four Continents is about a month after the European Championship, so we'll have to plan something between the events,” Yuuri brought out.

 

“We’ll try to work it out either way. From what I know, you'll probably be in St. Petersburg for a while. There will be plenty of opportunities!” Mila finally separated herself from Yuuri. “See you around.” She waved before returning to her previous spot.

 

Without Mila as a distraction, Yuuri could successfully prepare himself. 

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

Victor eyed Mila as she moved away from Yuuri. “Trying to distract my student from practicing, I see,” he teased.

 

“Me? Never!” Mila giggled in return. “I just wanted to chat a bit before practice started. He almost looked scared to be here. Is everything alright with you two?”

 

Victor snorted. “ _ You two.  _ It sounds like you are trying to imply that our relationship isn’t strictly professional.”

 

Mila stifled a laugh. “I’m not implying,  _ I know.  _ As if the extensive PDA wasn’t enough, you two have engagement rings. I’m surprised that you two aren’t married yet. When is the wedding?”

 

“We were supposed to get married once Yuuri won a gold medal… ” Victor bowed his head, his hair concealing his eyes. “He won gold at Nationals, but nothing happened. He didn’t mention it at all. Maybe he thought I was joking that night.”

 

The woman squeezed Victor’s side. “I doubt it. Maybe he thought he had to win gold at a big competition, like the Grand Prix or Worlds.”

 

“Maybe, but I think we are at different places. I overhead his video chat with Phichit, and he acted like he didn’t know that I loved him.”

 

“He might have been acting shy, because he would have to be completely blind to not know,” Mila countered.

 

“I guess that’s true. But what if he doesn’t… what if he doesn’t feel the same way?”

 

“Now you are just speaking nonsense! His skating theme this season is Love! He mentioned your love specifically! I remember that one night when you were still in Japan, and Yuuri was out somewhere so you snuck around his room. You found a bunch of posters and pictures of you that he was hiding under his bed and thought it was so adorable that you opened a group chat just to tell us,”she reminded him.

 

Ah, how could he forget that? That night, he had felt so giddy and guilty at the same time. ‘ _ Yuuri likes me that much?’  _ Victor had thought while he sifted through the hefty stack of magazine clippings, official photos, and posters. For so long, Victor thought that Yuuri was the one deeply in love with him. Now it seemed like the tables have turned. If Victor were to ever lose Yuuri, he would fall into a lightless world.

 

A hand patted his cheek. “Don’t think about it too much. I’m sure he just needs to get used to everything.”

 

“Yeah,” Victor breathed. His eyes were glued to Yuuri’s figure as it glided out onto the ice. The boy had the same grace as always, though it was blurred by his nervous energy. 

 

_ I’ll never take my eyes off of you. I don’t think it’s possible. Do you know this? Do you know how bad you have me? Yuuri…  _

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

“Something up, Katsudon?” Yurio grunted. He sat next to Yuuri on the horribly uncomfortable bench. “You’re not your usual overly cheerful self today. Neither is baldy,” the teen commented. “Not like I care,”he made sure to add, trying not to sound to soft.

 

The skating rink was almost completely dark; the overhead lights were off and the sun was setting outside.

 

Yuuri looked up from his partially unlaced skates and smiled. “I’m fine, thanks for asking though.” He quickly dropped the forced expression and went back to working on his skates.

 

“Tch. I didn’t think you were much of a liar.” Yurio sighed heavily.  _ Just tell me you little shit!  _  “At you can’t say that I didn’t try. See you tomorrow,” he muttered before darting away. 

 

As much as he hated seeing Victor and Yuuri hang all over each other, it was almost more painful to watch them be in this… this… funk. Normally the couple was so inseparable it was sickening, but today they barely even talked. 

 

Of all people, Yurio was determined to piece together what was going on.

  
  


______________________________________________________________________________

 

The apartment door swung open wide and the two men entered. As usual, the standard poodle barrelled towards the couple, nearly knocking them down. 

 

“Take it easy, Makka!”Victor cried between laughs. The dog’s excited yips and energy always put a smile on his no matter what.

 

A faint chuckle surprised the man. It would appear that Makkachin must have had the same effect on Yuuri.  _ Oh Yuuri.  We need to talk, really talk. _

 

“What do you want for dinner?” Victor asked rather than bringing up the topic stuck in his head.

 

“I don’t really care. Whatever is easiest for you,”Yuuri replied dryly as he hung up his coat. Any happiness by means of Makkachin had left as quickly as it came.

 

“ _ Yuuri! _ That isn’t what I asked! I asked what  _ you _ wanted, not me. Why must you always do this?” Victor whined. “I wish for once you would be honest with me,” he mumbled with a bitter edge.

 

“Victor…” The single word, along with Yuuri’s expression, dripped with guilt and desperation. He was well aware that this wasn't  _ just _ about dinner. No, there were layers to this.

 

For a timeless moment, the two locked gazes, true emotions bleeding through their eyes and exposing their vulnerable humanity. The electric glint normally seen in Victor’s eyes was clouded by utter distress. Underneath the ice of heartache, a fire of want, love, and frustration burned. In contrast, sharp stings of fear, remorse, and anguish circled in the dark pools of Yuuri’s eyes, draining them of any comforting warmth.

 

“Yuuri… what did I… what did I do wrong? I’ve tried to be as considerate and hospitable as I could, but I still had to have done something wrong,” Victor searched, doing his best to stay as collected as he could be.

 

“You didn’t do anything, Victor,” Yuuri answered honestly, frozen in place.

 

“I had to of! You have been so standoffish since Nationals. I just need to know, Yuuri. Please, just talk to me. I’m begging you…” Victor pleaded. The back of his throat was raw from trapped sobs.

 

“No! This has nothing to do with you at all, Victor. God, you look like you’re about to cry. I’ve already made you cry once, and I don’t want to do that again.” Sheer panic spread over Yuuri’s face. Why had he been so blind to this? His mood was affecting Victor too. All of this was his completely his fault. Gingerly, Yuuri tugged on Victor’s hand and pulled him to the couch. “You’re right, we should talk.” 

 

“Thank you,” Victor managed to peep. Finally, Yuuri was willing to open up. Finally, he had a chance to understand what was going on in that delicate mind of his. Finally, it might not hurt.

 

Taking a deep breath, Yuuri mentally prepared himself. Even after all they had been through together, it was difficult opening up to the other man. “To be honest, I’m just, uh, a little nervous. Moving to a new city is one thing, but moving to a new city and having to keep someone’s reputation in tact is another. E-especially when that person’s reputation is yours,” he admitted. “My anxiety is getting the best of me, I'm so sorry. I know it can be a burden.” Yuuri buried his head in his hands, not wanting to face Victor.  _ Is he going to be mad? He’s going to be mad. How does he even deal with a mess like me? I can’t even cope with the little things. _

 

“I know you can't help it.” Victor pulled Yuuri’s hands down and pressed soft kisses onto each of them. “I just wish you would tell me when things get bad. I want to do what I can to help you,  Маленький котенок. Don't ever think you are a burden to me, okay? When I chose to love you, I chose to love your flaws too.” A wave of relief washed over him.  _ It wasn't me. Thank goodness it wasn't me. _

 

Blood rushed up to Yuuri’s face. “I… um… thank you. Thank you so much.” Part of a heavy weight lifted from Yuuri’s shoulders, but something was still dragging him down.  _ I’ll keep it together for Victor’s sake, if not my own. I don’t want to hurt him. _

 

“Do you want to get some food now? If you don't feel like going out, we can order delivery, “ Victor offered.

 

“That sounds like a good idea. I need to relax some.”

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

“I like easy nights like this,” Victor chimed as he threw away his disposable container.

 

“Me too, but we shouldn't make a habit out of it,” Yuuri added with a teasing grin.

 

Both of them were in much better moods now. Everything was resolved… as far as Victor knew. It is common knowledge that problems do not just disappear overnight. This night however, would be without worry and blind to issues.

 

“Did you ever decide where you wanted to sleep, Yuuri?” Victor asked, recalling that morning's conversation.

 

“Oh… um…” Yuuri tensed up. “I wouldn't mind staying with you again,” he shyly responded. “Only if that's okay with you!” The boy added hastily.

 

“Of course it is!” Victor exclaimed, going over to his boyfriend. Unsurprisingly, the man planted a kiss on Yuuri's cheek and took him in his arms. “I like sleeping with you. You’re so warm and cuddly,” he cooed.

 

“Stop it!” Yuuri playfully protested. “I can’t tell if you are talking about me or Makkachin anymore!”

 

Victor pulled Yuuri in closer so their bodies were now flush with each other. “Oh, but you are so different. I love Makkachin, but I love you more.” The words dripped from his mouth like honey, genuine and sweet.

 

_ Did I really say that out loud? To hell with it! He has to know eventually, why not now? _

 

Yuuri tilted his head up, doe-eyed. When their eyes met this time, the gaze was tender and brimming with surprise, highly contrasting their earlier exchange. The lack of space between them only enhanced the affectionate atmosphere.

 

“That’s good to know,” Yuuri breathed before closing the remaining gap between them, doing something he never imagined of doing.

 

Victor felt like the brush of Yuuri’s lips on his only lasted an instant, but he cherished every second of it. He let the short-lived surge of warmth course through his body, making him a weak mess.

 

_ I'm the one falling now, aren't I?  _

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's my dumpster fire of a second chapter *rolls down hill* My POV switches felt kind of odd, but I tried to keep the screwy formatting to a minimum (who knows if it actually turned out right). I don't even know anymore.
> 
> The song used for this chapter was "Always" by Panic! at the Disco.
> 
> I'll try to get to the main storyline in the next chapter AND post at a decent time.


	3. Never Find the Words to Say

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How much can be bottled up until it finally breaks?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OMG I'M SO SORRY THAT THIS IS EXTREMELY LATE!!!!! IT HAS BEEN CHAOTIC AND I JUST COULDN'T FOCUS!
> 
> I'M SORRY AGAIN

 

  
  


_ Ping! _

 

The clock on the wall read 4:12 A.M., way too early for anyone to be texting or receiving text messages.  Victor Nikiforov and Christophe Giacometti, however, had different ideas.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Chris (ASSthetic)**

Are you awake?

 

**Me:**

I am now thanks a lot

 

**Chris (ASSthetic)**

Cry me a river I know for a fact you are an early bird

 

**Me:**

But Yuuri isn’t!! I don’t want to wake him up!!!

 

**Chris (ASSthetic):**

So you are sleeping together?( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

  
  


**Me:**

Why does everyone keep getting the wrong idea?

SLEEPING ONLY!!!!

 

**Chris (ASSthetic):**

Boooooring!

Anyway, how are things going in general?

Being back in Russia with the team,

living with the love of your life...

  
  


**Me:**

Fine I guess?

Everyone was happy to see us but Yuuri is 

more nervous than usual

 

**Me:**

He avoided me

almost all day yesterday

 

**Me:**

Everything is okay  now

 

**Chris (ASSthetic):**

Good

I hope everything works out

You guys need to post more stuff on IG!!!

Your friends and fans are starving for information!!!

  
  


**Me:**

FINE!

I'll make sure to post something later

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Victor sighed and set his phone on the nightstand. Rolling on his side, the man reached out to find Yuuri. After some desperate fumbling in the dark, Victor finally felt the fabric of his boyfriend’s shirt. He slowly inched himself closer to the sleeping boy to the point where he could now make out the lines of Yuuri’s peaceful features. His cheeks were squished up against a pillow, his hair was poking out every which way, and a bead of drool crept from the corner of his mouth.

 

_ My sleeping beauty. _

 

With that image in his head, Victor closed his eyes and drifted back to sleep.

__________________________________________________________________________

 

Yuuri woke up to the sound of his phone vibrating and the smell of something burning.

If the charred odor wasn't so concerning, the sleepy skater most likely would have succumbed to the bed’s inviting warmth. To make matters worse, his phone hadn't ceased its incessant buzzing.

 

Once he was awake enough to partially function, Yuuri tackled the the easiest of his problems: his phone. Thinking that it was only his alarm causing the awful noise, Yuuri was taken aback when he saw three new messages from Phichit, one new message from his sister, and countless Instagram notifications.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Phichit:**

OMG YUURI!!!

 

**Phichit:**

VICTOR’S POST

 

**Phichit:**

I AM SCREAMING IT IS SO CUTE!!!

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Mari ♡:**

I saw Victor’s post…

You look awful cozy there brother

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Yuuri had a miniature heart attack. What on Earth could Victor have done to get this type of response? Cautiously, he opened up his rarely used Instagram and prepared himself for the worst. Within a few seconds, he found the post that everyone must be talking about.

 

He was out cold, complete with terrible bedhead and drool. Next to him lie Victor, who  _ just so happened _ to be shirtless. Victor had added the caption “Beautiful morning in St. Petersburg,” underneath the picture. In Yuuri's opinion, the statement was misleading. There was  _ nothing _ beautiful about this picture. Okay, maybe  _ one  _ thing, but it certainly wasn't him. Leave it to Victor to capture Yuuri in one of his most unflattering moments and find beauty in it.

 

Also leave to Victor to burn down the apartment. The burning smell was only getting worse, and Yuuri had a gut feeling that his boyfriend's cooking was to blame. Sure enough, when Yuuri finally stumbled out of bed and into the kitchen, he found Victor hovering over a smoking pan.

 

“Good morning, Yuuri!” He exclaimed, not even acknowledging the problem he was frying up. “I made your morning coffee black, how you like it. I still can't believe you don't like cream or anything! I mean, it is healthier but-”

 

“Victor.” Yuuri abruptly cut the man off. “Two things. One: It is too early for this much 

talking. Two: Why does it smell like an arson case in here?” 

 

The Russian blinked in astonishment before responding. Yuuri’s sleepy voice had a deadly edge to it, and his tired gaze could easily kill a man. Clearly, morning Yuuri was not a force to be reckoned with. Victor tried to simply laugh it off. “Oh, the smell…” Another laugh. “You see, I wanted to make you feel more at home here so I decided to make breakfast. Got up early to go shopping and everything! I remember your mother teaching some cooking tips back in Hatsetsu, and wanted to try them out. It um… well, it didn't go as planned.” He gestured to the mess on the stove. “Good thing that I bought back up breakfast too.”

 

Yuuri snickered. “That's what you get for posting pictures of me on Instagram without my permission,” he fired back, clearly proud of the remark.

 

Victor ruffled Yuuri’s already messy hair. “You looked so cute like that, and I couldn't resist! Our friends and fans just ate it up, too.” 

 

“That’s the problem! Maybe I wanted to keep the way I look when I sleep secret!” At this point, Yuuri was just trying to throw any possible complaint he could at the man.

 

“On the contrary, I think the entire world should see how adorable you look when you are sleeping. Besides, pictures like that make up for how little you post.” Victor slung his arms over the younger male's shoulders. “People have to know about you somehow.”

 

“You know what I said earlier about not talking in the morning?” Yuuri mentioned. “You are talking way too much right now. I am not awake enough to handle all of this.”

 

The man displayed an impish grin. “Oh, you want me to be quiet? Make me,” he taunted, hoping Yuuri would take the hint.

 

“This is one of those times when I question why I stay with you.” Yuuri pulled Victor down for a fleeting kiss. “Now I need to get ready.”

 

The exchange was more tantalizing than satisfying to Victor, whom wished Yuuri would linger just a little bit longer. Despite the small disappointment, Victor was still glad to have the taste of Yuuri on his lips to start off the day.

 

Glancing outside, Yuuri noticed the gloomy weather outside. It would have the perfect day to stay home and sleep, but the demanding life of a skater did not allow too many off days. Alas, he picked up the cup of coffee Victor had made him earlier and shuffled back to the bedroom to get a change of clothes. “I'm getting a shower,” he announced when he walked past Victor again.

 

“I know it’s nothing like the hot springs in Hatsetsu, but the bathroom in the bedroom has a pretty big bathtub if you want to soak,” Victor offered as he scraped out the burnt remains of whatever was in the pan into the garbage.

 

“Thanks, but I think I will stick to my shower for right now. Maybe later.” The boy produced an appreciative smile before returning to his former task. 

 

About fifteen minutes later, he emerged from the hallway bathroom wearing a T-shirt and sweatpants. Droplets of a water fell from his still wet hair and dampened the back of his shirt. Now it was time for Yuuri to finish his coffee and relax a little before practice. He strolled over to the couch and sat down next to Makkachin, making sure to give the dog some loving attention. Yuuri sipped on his now lukewarm coffee and stared through the window at the snowy city he would soon have to venture out in.

 

_ I should have gone to bed earlier last night, then maybe I wouldn't be so tired. Ugh, I really don't want to go outside. Winter feels colder here than in Hatsetsu. I'll definitely need to wear some layers. Am I going to get used to this? _

 

He was so occupied in dreading leaving the apartment that he hadn't even noticed Victor sitting on the opposite side of Makkachin. “I wish we didn't have to leave so soon,” Victor stated, scaring oblivious Yuuri half to death. “Did you not see me here?” He asked with a chuckle. 

 

Yuuri nodded timidly, kicking himself for being so jumpy. “I was lost in thought, I guess.”

 

“I hope they weren't negative thoughts. I know how hard you are on yourself, and I bet living in a whole new country doesn't help settle your nerves either.” He reached over Makkachin to grasp his partner's hand. 

 

“The only thing I’m thinking negatively about is the weather. Thank you for being concerned, though. It lets me know you care,” he reassured him.

 

Victor mindlessly twisted the golden ring around Yuuri's finger. It had become a nervous habit of his ever since the piece of jewelry had been given to him in Barcelona. Whenever something was on his mind, there was suspense during a competition, or he sensed that Yuuri was tense, Victor spun the band around his finger for comfort. In fact, he only took it off when he showered or got his hands dirty. Some may see the accessory as insignificant, but to Victor it was a symbol of his connection with Yuuri.

 

“Of course I care, моя любовь  . I want to know how your are doing and what I can do to help if you aren't okay. What kind of coach, no, what kind of  _ boyfriend _ would I be if I didn't care?” It was not necessary for the question to be answered; they both knew anyway. Sometimes silence is the most meaningful response. Something about the understanding quiet left the two in a mutual serenity.

 

“Uh oh…” Yuuri's eyes widened. “What time is it?” The asked himself as he fumbled for his phone. “It's already 7:47. We need to get going or we’ll be late!”

 

Obligations seem to always get in the way of their domesticity. Victor let out a displeased sigh. “You’re right. If we show up any later than eight, Yakov will yell at me for ‘not being a good coach.’”

 

“I bet he'll ask you ‘when are going to stop playing coach?’ too, or ‘Vitya, why do you never listen to me? Don't do that!’” Yuuri's impersonation of the grumpy coach was scarily accurate for someone who hadn't been around the man very often. Everything from the cranky expression to the dissonant bite of Yakov’s accent was dead on.

 

“Oh my goodness, Yuuri. That was… how can you even...that's hilarious,” Victor commended in between his hysterical bouts of laughter. “You have to do that for Mila… I bet she would get a kick out of that.”

 

“Speaking of Mila,” Yuuri said. He stood up and walked towards the coat rack, but continued talking. “She wanted to have everybody come over here sometime so we could get to know each other. I told her I would try to make my mom's katsudon. We need to find a date between competitions, though.” The skater shrugged on his layers of winter clothing in preparation for facing the bitter cold outside.

 

“That is a great idea! Especially if you are making katsudon. I'd say that you deserve it after your performance so far during this season.” Victor stood up and dressed up similarly to Yuuri, give or take a few items. “You know what? We could do it tonight if everyone is available. We could always run to the store to get more food.”

 

“If that's okay with you. I don't want to push any plans on you if you weren't wanting to do anything tonight.” In reality, Yuuri was fishing for excuses to push the event back. It wasn't that he didn't want to get to know the Russian team, he just wasn't sure if they really wanted to get to know  _ him _ . After all, he had been the reason Victor left skating. Who knew? Maybe they liked  that Victor was gone so there was less competition? Even if there was the possibility that the skaters enjoyed Victor’s absence, Yakov obviously wasn't very happy about about his top skater's decision. This Yuuri could understand. The man had recently gone through a divorce, and he didn't need any more stress. Yuuri was only a reminder of the hell he must have gone through that year. No matter the situation, Yuuri had made himself certain that at least one person was bound to have a chip on their shoulder.

 

As if that weren't enough to throw the worrisome boy into a panic attack, the question of he and Victor’s relationship was bound to come up. With Yurio and Victor having no filter when they spoke, Georgi being an emotional wreck, and Mila being irritatingly curious, there was no chance he could dodge that bullet. Relationships were one thing Yuuri didn't feel comfortable discussing. Although he had never officially dated anyone before Victor, it felt better to keep those things private even when talking to Phichit. If he couldn't talk about these matters with his best friend, it seemed virtually impossible to explain anything to people he barely knew.

 

All of these scenarios swirled around Yuuri's head like the snow he was about to walk out into. Small thoughts grew, building up into an internal predicament far larger than it should have been. Just like that, a flurry became a blizzard.

 

“Oh, I don't care! I was just going to hang out with you tonight…” Victor paused, noticing the perturbed expression plastered on his partner's face. “Yuuri? Is everything alright?” He asked.

 

“Um, yeah!” He fibbed. “I was just, uh, a bit overwhelmed by how much katsudon I have to make later. I'll to call my mom about it for sure.” Why was it that the lies came out easier than the truth? Why couldn't he just confide in Victor? That is what relationships were for! To have someone to talk to, to share your feelings, your memories, your fears. It should be easy. Why couldn't he open up? What was holding him back?

 

“I'd offer to help you, but you know from this morning that I'm not the greatest cook.” Victor smiled in a way that Yuuri could only describe as, well…  _ Victor. _ The way his blue eyes lit up like a clear lit sky and his mouth almost formed a heart. His features fit his personality so well. He was just so… so… _ loving _ . That was the word.  _ Loving. _ Yuuri wondered why he couldn't be like that. Why he couldn't push down his own demons to make everyone around him feel happy. When he was younger, Yuuri looked up to Victor as a skater, now he looked up to him as a person. Victor was by no means perfect, but he was stable. Stability was one vital things Yuuri lacked and strongly wished for. Why were most of his smiles forced?

 

“You’re staring…” Victor’s smile quickly shifted to a smirk, and he raised an eyebrow. “Is something wrong with my face?”

 

“S-sorry!” Yuuri stuttered. A wave of red washed over his face as a testament to his embarrassment. “I was… you just… I like your smile. That's all,” he managed to squeak out. “It's nice.”

 

The silver man let out a light chuckle. “I'm glad you think so. You know, you also have a very nice smile. I can tell when you are genuinely happy by your smile.” Victor shrugged. “It's the little things, I notice. Now let's get going before the snow turns to ice. We won't even need a rink to skate in.”

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

“DO YOU PLAN ON SHOWING UP LATE TO PRACTICE EVERYDAY? AND YOU THINK YOU ARE A MODEL COACH!” Yakov’s caustic remark sounded throughout the skating rink, drawing all eyes in his direction. Obviously, the complaint was aimed at Victor, who had shown up with Yuuri late by four entire minutes. The audacity! 

 

“Oh, Yakov! How can I ever make up for this sin? I made the fatal decision of giving Yuuri the proper amount of sleep instead of bringing him to practice early! Woe is me!” Victor's dramatics earned a snicker from all of the present skaters, even Yurio. 

 

“Shut up, smart ass,” Yakov barked back. “Sometimes I wish you would have stayed in Japan,” he added afterwards. 

 

“Me too!” No matter what, Victor wasn't going to let Yakov win this bout of banter. “Then I could eat Mrs. Katsuki’s cooking everyday! Speaking of Mrs. Katsuki’s cooking, Yuuri is going to try to make her katsudon tonight. We thought about having some of the other skaters over, and we'd love to have you too.”

 

The coach glared at his cheery former student. “I'll think about it,” he spat.

 

“Wonderful! We’ll make sure to make enough if you decide to stop by!” Something peevish soaked Victor’s mocking grin. He wished that Yakov would act decent for one day. He knew that the man was capable of compassion, but he seldom showed it. It was horribly annoying. Maybe someday he could get through to the cold man.

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

The manner in which Yuuri collided with the ice was not delicate, nor did it feel too good. When the boy finally found enough balance to stand back up on the ice, his body was riddled with aches. Bruises were certainly going to appear after that fall.

 

“Are you okay?” Victor rushed to the edge of the rink where Yuuri had skated over.

 

“Yeah. I'm just a little sore,” he answered frankly. How had he managed to flub a quad toe loop? Quads were always an issue, but toe loops were by far the easiest to land.

 

Victor had speculated that there was something off with Yuuri today. His overall performance at practice was lacking the emotion that was typically flowing from him, and he had been spacey on the ride there.“Maybe it would be best if you took a small break, yes?”

 

Yuuri didn't hesitate at the offer. Hopefully, a break would allow him to gather his bearings and find the root of the problem. But knowing how he was, the break would only give him more time to kick himself for making a mistake.

 

“So,” Victor started out once they were both seated at a bench. “What was on your mind as you made that jump?”

 

“I don't really know. It was all a blur.” Of course he knew what was on his mind during that jump. Rather than thinking about his routine, Yuuri was thinking about proving himself to the other skaters. 

 

“ _ Yuuri!” _ Victor drew the name out, which had become a habit of his when he was annoyed. “Think harder! Try to remember  _ something.  _ It's just me, and I'm not going to get mad at you.”

 

Yuuri sighed heavily. He wasn't going to get off this one so easily. “I was overthinking it. I didn’t want to embarrass myself, but I ended up doing it anyway.” He lowered his head and kept his eyes fixed on the floor.

 

“That’s what I thought.” Victor rubbed the bottom of his chin thoughtfully. Why was Yuuri so hard on himself? Yes, the Russian team was a little overbearing at best, but they never made negative comments about their fellow skaters. Well, with the exception of Yurio. Still, Victor felt that there was no legitimate reason for Yuuri to be so afraid of messing up in practice. That is what practice is for in the first place! 

 

As good as he was at concealing his emotions, the grimace on Yuuri was displaying was enough to tell that he was beating himself up about the mishap. It was likely to affect the rest of  his day.

 

Victor placed his hand on Yuuri's knee for physical reassurance, which caused him to look back up. “Hey, don't let this get to you. It happens to the best of us. Stressing about small things like this is only going to make things worse. If you want to improve, you have to push yourself, but you don't want to bring yourself down. Okay?”

 

He stared at Victor with a doe-eyed look before giving a small nod. 

 

“You can go back on the ice now, if you are feeling good enough.” Victor stood up and gave Yuuri a soft pat on the shoulder. 

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

Yakov approached Victor, who was focused watching Yuuri. “I'm surprised how nicely you handled that earlier. He seems to be doing much better now.” 

 

The complement from his former coach almost took Victor off-guard, however, he retained his collected composure. “I've found out that I have to be gentle with Yuuri. Yelling at him just makes matters worse. All he wants is someone to support and encourage him. I try my best to do that.”

 

The older man made a noise that could almost be identified as a chuckle. “I can tell coaching is starting to grow on you, but I hope you do the sensible thing and return to skating next season like you said you would.”

 

And he ruined it. Right when Victor was starting to think that Yakov was proud of him, he completely snuffed out the notion. Miracles don't happen everyday.

 

“I'll cross that path when I get there,” he answered vaguely. “Right now I have bigger things to focus on.”

 

“So indecisive,” Yakov snorted. “You clearly don't know what is best for you.”

 

“Maybe Yuuri is best for me!” Victor interjected. “Maybe it is time that I settle down. I love skating, and I am planning on returning, but circumstances change. People change. They fall in love…”

 

“Love life issues?” a familiar voice asked. Georgi had skated over to the edge of the rink next to Victor and Yakov. 

 

“More like Yakov is putting his nose where is doesn't belong issues,” Victor snapped. What was the point of trying to be nice anymore?

 

“Don't I know about that,” Georgi grunted.

 

“I DON'T WASTE MY TIME FOR YOU TO STAND AROUND AND CHAT!” Yakov badgered. “GET BACK TO PRACTICE!”

 

Georgi rolled his eyes and skated away, muttering a string of insults under his breath.

 

“Tsk, tsk, tsk.” Victor shook his head to mock disappointment. “When will they ever learn? Obviously, I didn't learn anything. Maybe it isn’t the student's fault but the coach’s?”

 

Yakov cast a warning glare in the younger man's direction. “Don't test me, Nikiforov.”

 

“Then don't expect me to plan out my life to benefit yourself.” With that statement, Victor concluded the conversation and stepped away.

 

__________________________________________________________________________

 

“I’m so glad all of you are coming over!” Victor exclaimed as everyone exited the facility. “I haven’t had anyone over for dinner in ages!”

 

“That is because everyone is afraid of your cooking,” Mila offered with a sly grin. She had experienced Victor’s culinary catastrophes first hand.

 

“Mila is actually right for once,” Yurio chipped in. “You may be capable of winning gold, but you are also capable of burning water.”

 

“Lies!” Victor gasped. He wasn't the greatest cook, but he wasn't as horrible as the others made him out to be. “The there has to be at least  _ one  _ thing I have made that wasn't a complete fail.”

 

Each skater looked as if they were in deep thought. Their lack of successful cooking stories created a lengthy silence. Luckily for Victor, Georgi had something to say.

 

“Syrniki! You made syrniki when Anya and I were still together. We were surprised that it wasn't burnt. Other than that, I can't think of anything.” He shrugged and pulled out his phone.

 

“You made boxed semolina one time,” Mila chimed in after some more thinking. “It was a little clumpy, though.” After her comment, another period of silence ensued.

 

Knowing that he was clearly defeated, Victor diverted his attention to Yuuri, who had been uncharacteristically quiet during this conversation. Victor was sure that he would have called him out on this morning's mess. Upon further inspection, he noticed that Yuuri's eyes were glued to his phone. “Is everything okay, Yuuri?”

 

At the sound of his name, the boy lifted his head. “Yeah, yeah. I was just texting Phichit.” Confiding in Phichit would be a better answer. Whenever Yuuri was in a stressful situation, his best friend was always ready to listen no matter the time. He sometimes wondered if he slept at all.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


**Me:**

I invited the entire senior Russian 

team over for dinner and I am 

regretting everything!!! Pls help!!!!

  
  


**Phichit:**

Don't stress ot!!!

 

**Phichit:**

*it

 

**Phichit:**

I know that is impossible to

for u but I think that everything 

will go ok if u don't over think

It!!!! Plus u have Victor to 

help!!!

  
  


**Me:**

STILL I AM FREAKING 

OUT!!!!!!

 

**Me:**

AND NOT IN A GOOD

WAY!!!!!

**Phichit:**

Yuuri

 

**Phichit:**

Breathe

 

**Phichit:**

Remember that u can take 

a break and hide if u need to

 

**Phichit:**

I'm sure they will understand

If they dont, then they don't 

deserve ur time!!!

 

**Phichit:**

I'm always here to talk if u 

need me to!!!!

 

**Me:**

Thanks :)

 

**Me:**

Ttyl

 

**Phichit:**

♡

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Oh, okay.” Victor tilted his head back and took in the sky above. The clouds had cleared up, and hues of orange, rose, and violet bled together like watercolors. 

 

_ It is a beautiful day to be with people who have beautiful hearts. _

 

He wrapped his arm around Yuuri's waist, drawing him near. “We’ll have to stop by the store on our way home. I doubt we have all the ingredients you need. At least it isn't so dreary out anymore.” A fervent smile danced on the edge of his lips, but the positive expression quickly disappeared upon seeing how on edge Yuuri looked. “Are you sure everything is alright?”

 

Uh oh. Victor was starting to get suspicious of Yuuri's attitude, which was the the last thing he wanted. This was supposed to be a happy night. A night without issues. A night when cares were put aside. Yuuri felt as if his complicated emotions were going screw all of this up. With that being said, what believable excuse could he conjure up this time?

 

“Yes, I'm fine! I'm just a little worried that my mom won't pick up the phone. I always forget how late it is in Hatsetsu.” Good excuse, good excuse. This is something that he legitimately is concerned about, so it isn't a  _ full _ lie. Right? How many times will he tell himself that?  _ It isn't a lie, only the twisted truth.  _ Like anyone really believed that bullshit. It was just another way for him to feel better about his dishonesty to anyone and everyone that cared about his well being. The little counterfeit grin he threw in at the end only made the whole charade feel more authentic. Right?  **Right?** No… it wasn't like that at all. It never was and never would be. When would someone tell him this? When would someone tell him that it was wrong to be fake? God, that wasn't right either! People did tell him this. The real question was when would he listen?A relieved chuckle disturbed Yuuri's somber train of thought. 

 

“I was worried it was something else.” Victor pushed aside a clump of his silver locks that fell into his face. As they walked over to where the car was parked, Victor couldn't help but feel that something was still off. What could possibly be wrong at a time like this? Not being able to answer his own question, the man blamed the off-putting thought on not being used to the city anymore. After all, it had been nearly a year since he had returned to St. Petersburg. 

 

Victor perked up when he heard a soft exclamation of excitement from Yuuri. The rapid string of Japanese that followed indicated that he must have successfully contacted his mother. Despite that Victor only understood snippets of the conversation, he enjoyed listening to Yuuri speak in his native language. Each word rolled off of his tongue so fluidly it was almost melodic, being a huge leap from the clumsy English he had to use with everyone else.

 

However, Yuuri's cheery tone was suddenly cut off, and the sweet sounds that Victor relished faded away. Even with the language barrier, the man could sense that something was amiss by the way Yuuri's eyes widened to the size of saucers and his voice became a serious whisper. 

 

Once the call was finished, Victor swung around to face Yuuri directly. “What happened?” His typical carefree air shifted to accommodate the urgency of the situation. Yuuri was his one and only concern.

 

“I thought it was weird that mom was up this late.” Yuuri let out a lifeless laugh that in itself chilled Victor. “She acted like everything was alright until I mentioned the time. Gave me the cooking pointers I asked for, sounded happy… ” He covered half of his face with his hand and froze up.

 

“ _ Yuuri!”  _ Victor urged once more. “What happened?”

 

“She is at the hospital. To save some money, my dad was trying to do some maintenance in Yu-Topia himself. He fell off of a ladder and injured his ankle. The doctor said it wasn't broken all the way through, but he has a fracture. Still, he will have to stay off of his leg for a while, so mom and Mari have to run the hot springs by themselves. I know that money is tight right now too, which doesn't help.” The sheer distress he displayed was almost too much for Victor to bear. Kind people like the Katsukis did not deserve this to happen to them. Why was the world cruel to the ones who made it a better place?

 

Without hesitation, Victor pulled his distraught boyfriend into comforting hug. He stroked the back of his head with the type of loving tenderness a mother would show her child.

 

In response, Yuuri buried his face into Victor’s shoulder and fought back burning tears that were struggling to escape. This, of all things, had to happen right now-a time when Yuuri was already at a low point. His family had been through worse situations, yet this stressed him out just as much. Whenever they needed him the most, he was never there. The five years in Detroit and now living in Russia. It must be like they don't have a son at all.

 

“Are you going to be okay? I can cancel dinner tonight,” Victor offered, whispering the words into Yuuri's hair.

 

“We already committed to it. I think I'll be fine.” If that wasn't the most blatant lie he had told today. Of course he wasn't going to be fine. He was never fine. Even on good days there never failed to be something in the back of his mind trying to put him down. Yuuri had never been completely “fine” since the innocent days of his youth.

 

“If you say so. You can always change your mind.” Victor pressed a tender kiss to Yuuri's forehead. “I’m sorry this happened,  моя любовь.” He intertwined his chilly fingers with Yuuri's gloved ones. “Let's get going so you have some time to relax when we get home.”

 

___________________________________________________________________________

 

The smell of caramelized onions wafted into the living room torturing the four guests seated there.

 

Yurio, who had come solely for the katsudon, started to get extremely impatient.“OI PIG!” He yelled. “IS THE FOOD ALMOST DONE? YOU ARE KILLING US ALL!” While the way Yurio expressed his thoughts wasn't very polite, everyone in the room had a similar train of thought. If dinner wasn't ready soon there was a possibility that they might start eating each other.

 

Setting down his spatula, Yuuri walked into the living room. “Ten more minutes at most. Sorry for the wait you guys.” He produced a timid smile before returning to his post in the kitchen. The familiar aroma reminded him of home, particularly his mother, whom he knew was under a lot of stress right now. She may act like everything is right in the world, but deep inside a fear would bubble up in the woman. That was one of the mother and son’s most unfortunate similarities. But thinking about his mom wasn't going to help his current mental state. Instead of dwelling on the thoughts, Yuuri focused exclusively on cooking. 

 

Every now and again Victor would come over to show Yuuri where certain utensils were, give him a peck on the cheek, or simply wrap his arms around the boy’s waist and observe the skillful way he worked from over his shoulder. While it had been quite some time since Victor had spent time with his old rinkmates, he preferred sharing these domestic moments with Yuuri rather than engage in idle chatter with the others. To his dismay, Yuuri had to break away from the embrace.

 

“Hey, dinner is ready!” he announced to the guests who had been waiting not so patiently.

 

“IT IS ABOUT DAMN TIME!” Yurio shouted before darting into the kitchen at record speed. Georgi and Mila trailed directly behind him, whereas Yakov exited the room at his own leisure.

A quaint dining space lie on the other side of the kitchen. Yuuri had previously pulled over six chairs to the modest sized table, hoping that everyone would be able to fit. Now that everyone was together in the space, he realized that wasn't going to work. Defeated, Yuuri drew back one of the chairs and decided he would sit at the breakfast bar to save space. Maybe being disconnected from the rowdy group wouldn't be a bad thing.

 

“Hey, Yuuri…” Victor studied what was in front of him: five chairs, five sets of silverware and chopsticks, and only five bowls of katsudon. There were  _ six  _ people. “Why are we missing a set of everything?”

 

“Oh, it's all over here.” Yuuri gestured to the breakfast bar. “There wasn't enough room at the table so I'm sitting over here.” Almost as soon as the words left his mouth, there were five sets of eyes fixed on the boy’s face. 

 

“That is the most ridiculous thing I ever heard you say!” Mila blurted out.

 

“We came over for you, you know. Victor is old news at this point,” Georgi piped in. “And free food is a tempting offer,” he added quietly.

 

“Can we just eat already?” Yurio whined. 

 

“Yura! Manners,” Yakov scolded. Without his hat, you could really see the annoyance painted on his face (and the way the light shined on his bald spot).

 

“I didn't think it would be a problem. I-I’m sorry,” Yuuri stammered out the unnecessary  apology.

 

“What am I going to do with you,  моя любовь?” Victor crooned while clinging onto Yuuri’s side.

 

“Why do you always say and do gross things? Just have the pig sit over here so we can finally eat,” Yurio groaned. 

 

“He's right. The food will get cold if we wait any longer. You can squeeze in by me! I'll make room for you,” Victor suggested with a smile. This earned an expected eyeroll from Yurio.

 

Knowing that there was no way of getting out of this, Yuuri moved his things over to the table and pulled up the chair he discarded earlier. The space between he and Victor was close to nonexistent, but his presence seemed to content the others. Once he was settled in, they dug into the meal.

 

Mila’s eyes lit up after the first bite. “Yuuri, this is AMAZING!” she gushed with her mouth still full. Georgi nodded in agreement while simultaneously wolfing down the dish. Yurio and Yakov even appeared pleased.

 

“Thank you,” Yuuri replied with a shy simper. “It isn't as good as my mom's, but I didn't do too bad.”

 

“Really?” Victor tilted his head. “I think it tastes just as good, but I may be slightly biased.” He placed his index finger on his bottom lip and gave one of his signature smiles. 

 

All of the praise made Yuuri go pink. So far so good… 

 

“So Yuuri,” Mila began,“if your cooking is  _ this _ good, your mother's cooking must be heavenly! We might have to take a trip to Japan in the off season.”

 

The words blew right past Yuuri. He prodded at the katsudon with his chopsticks with a sudden disconnection. His mood had flipped like a switch once more.

 

Victor slid his hand over and squeezed Yuuri's thigh to get his attention. “That would be fun! Maybe we could invite some other skaters too. What do you think, Yuuri?”

 

“Oh, uh, yeah. That would be nice. I think they would like Hatsetsu.” The statement was followed by a smile. It wouldn't be a conversation with Yuuri without a dash of fabricated happiness now would it?

 

Luckily, Victor was beginning to become more perceptive with Yuuri's attitude. The man set his pair of chopsticks over his bowl and leaned over. “We need to talk after dinner, okay?” After Yuuri nodded, Victor went back to his previous posture.

 

Small talk and compliments towards the chef filled up the rest of dinner. Victor asked about what he missed while he was gone, Georgi rambled on about his new girlfriend, Yakov told stories about Victor’s lack of cooperation, Mila begged Yuuri to give her cooking lessons, and everyone tried (and miserably  failed) to pry information about the elusive Otabek Altin from Yuri. 

 

When everyone was done eating, Mila offered to help with cleanup in return for the meal. Subsequently, Georgi and Yakov joined her. Yurio, on the other hand, could care less about giving any aid at all and was occupied with his phone. Victor took this opportunity to pull Yuuri aside in the living room.

 

“How are you holding up,  моя любовь?” He held both of Yuuri’s arms, locking eyes with a stare of affection and sympathy.

 

“I'm fine,” Yuuri answered less than truthfully.

 

“‘I'm fine’ doesn't cut it, Yuuri. It's written all over your face. No one is paying attention right now, if you don't want them to hear.”  Victor could only imagine what was going on in this fragile man's mind. Many times his expression was easy to read, yet other times it was as equally cryptic.

 

“I'm… nevermind. Don't worry about me. We should be focusing on the guests.” Oh no. He wasn't careful enough. He had let unwanted emotions bleeding through. He had attracted too much attention to himself. He had ruined something else, and it was starting to get under his skin. Self directed anger boiled inside him, turning every corner of his mind into a despairing self hate.

 

“ _ Yuuri!”  _ Victor released the name in a pleading sigh. “Last time I checked,  _ you _ are a guest here, hopefully a permanent one, but a guest nonetheless. So I am focusing on  _ you _ . They'll be okay.” He turned to see that Mila had flung a handful of bubbles at Georgi, only to miss and hit Yakov instead. “It's you that I'm worried about, so please talk to me.”

 

“Fine,” Yuuri huffed. “You want me to talk, then I'll talk! My family is struggling and I can't give them any damn help because of competitions and because you dragged me all the way to Russia so it would be easier for you! This is why I should have retired!” He yelled. Each word flew out in a fury, and Yuuri regretted every single one. The boy quickly lifted his hand to cover his mouth and backed away. 

 

It was silent. The ruckus in the kitchen had ceased entirely. Every head was turned to see what had happened in the livingroom. Victor stood wide eyed still in shock from Yuuri’s unforeseen outburst.

 

“I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Victor, I didn't mean it. I didn’t mean…” Tears stung his eyes, a few slipping past and burning his cheeks. Yuuri stepped even farther away from the man he had so carelessly lashed out on. His hand grasped something cold and smooth, presumably a doorknob. Without hesitation, he opened the door and disappeared into what he found out was the guest room, making sure to lock it.

 

“Wait! Yuuri please!” Victor darted towards the door, desperately trying to get in open. It was all to no avail. The door was locked and Yuuri didn't seem too keen on coming out.

 

“What's going on?” Mila appeared behind Victor almost instantly. Georgi, Yakov, and Yuri soon followed. 

 

“I… I don't know. I thought I was helping but…” with the situation still sinking in, words did not come easily. “I'm sorry you guys, we have to reschedule our evening. I need to figure out what-what happened. I'm so sorry, but we need some time.”

 

All left in a collective understanding that this was a rare time when the couple needed some space and each of their looks conveyed sympathy.

 

“Remember what I told you, Vitya. Do what I wasn't able to,” Yakov stated as he closed the door behind him. The older man’s gruff edge softened for the merest of moments. Something about the way he spoke told Victor that his former coach learned this lesson the hard way.

 

_ Take care of your friend.  _ Those were the words whispered to Victor when he was getting out of the car.  _ Do what I wasn't able to.  _ It was starting to come together now. 

 

“Yuuri,” he tried again, this time softer and less frantic. “I understand if you want to be alone right now, but I'll be out here if you feel like talking. I should have done better… ” 

After waiting a few seconds for a response that never came, Victor concluded now was not the right time. Yet, he couldn't bring himself to move away from the door. What if Yuuri finally wanted to talk and he wasn't there? So there he sat on the frigid floor, staring at a door that may never open. 

 

Behind that door, a crumpled mess of a man lie in a corner hot tears freely falling. Seam by seam the day was falling apart and Yuuri with it. Everything he hoped wouldn't happen happened. What else could he expect? Just when things were looking up, his world crashed down around him. Times of joy became times of pain at the bat of an eye.

 

_ This is all my fault. If only I hadn't screwed up. If only I had talked to Victor earlier. If only I had accepted my limits. If only I could have kept it in. If only I could convey my emotions like a normal person. If only I had been there to help. If only I could tell the truth. If only… if only… if only…  _

 

Silent sobs racked his body, leaving Yuuri only a bigger mess than before. There was no way he could even try to speak to Victor like this; it would just make things worse. He could only imagine how livid Victor was right now. He had been nothing but kind to Yuuri, and Yuuri was a human train wreck in return. 

 

The same thinking applied for the Russian team. They had taken time out if their already busy schedules to come over for dinner, only to leave because Yuuri was too incompetent to keep his mouth shut. He wouldn't be surprised if each and every one of them saw him as some drama queen that was ruining Victor's life. As far as he was concerned, they might be right. 

 

_ Victor's life would be so much better without me. Maybe I should leave. No, I'm wrong. This is the type of thinking that gets me like this in the first place. Victor searched me out and went as far as inviting me to live with him. I know he cares about me. I can see it in his eyes. But do I make him happy, or do I make him hurt? I  can't… I can't deal with this. I should try to sleep at least. At least I'll have the energy to face everyone. _

 

Using his little remaining strength, Yuuri pried himself off of the floor and crawled into the guest bed. It wasn't as comfortable as Victor's bed piled with plush blankets, but there was no way he was going out there. Not after what he had done.

 

It was only his third night in St. Petersburg and Yuuri already exiled himself to the guest room. It was only his third night in St. Petersburg and he had pushed Victor away. It was only his third night in St. Petersburg and he was alone.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah~  
> So there is that dumpster fire of a chapter *takes sip of Sadness Soda naturally flavored with angst*
> 
> The title was taken from "Sleeping Sickness" by City and Colour
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~
> 
> As I mentioned with all caps and too many exclamation points earlier, I'm sorry for how late this was. I don't like giving excuses, but I'm going to give excuses.
> 
> 1\. I was out of town for four days and had no wifi  
> 2\. I put the "pro" in procrastinate   
> 3\. I broke my foot and that just fueled my procrastination and overall jerkiness
> 
>  
> 
> Anyway, I want to post the the next chapter earlier but I don't promise anything.
> 
> If you want to bother me until I post next chapter, you can find me at one of these three corners of tumblr 
> 
> @wrathoftherandom  
> @writesoftherandom  
> @victuuri-thoughts
> 
> (I don't know how to link things yet so you will have to search on your own)
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	4. Prisoner of History

 

 

_ The set of blades glided across the slick surface with ease and breathtaking grace. Each movement came effortlessly as if it were second nature. The surroundings were a blur of muted steel blue and dull stone. Everything was empty and superficial, until… until two electric orbs stopped the skater in his tracks. From those captivating eyes, an equally fascinating figure took form. An angelic aura surrounded the beauteous creature who was already dripping with allure. It extended its porcelain hand out to the skater as an inviting gesture flowing with the warmth that he so lacked. Even in this short period of time, the skater seemed to be instinctively attracted to this ethereal being. Without hesitation, he accepted the invitation from the object of his adoration.  _

 

_ Crack…  _

 

_ The ice underneath the desperate skater began to fracture; white veins decorated it. Each move only worsened the breaks, leaving the distraught skater with no choice but to stop. However, the ice still gave way beneath his feet. Frigid liquid surrounded his body in a deadly embrace. Water drove all of the air from his lungs, and down he sank. So close… he was so close…  _

 

_ \----------------------------------------------- _

 

Yuuri shot up from the bed. The remnants of his dream faded away until they were nothing more than a bad memory.

 

Yawning, he fumbled to turn the lamp on and searched the room for a clock to see how long he had been asleep. If sleep is even what you call what he did that night. Yuuri tossed and turned for an hour or two before getting any semblance of rest. Even then, his light slumber was plagued with nightmares and memories from that disastrous evening. Looking towards the nightstand on his left, Yuuri finally spotted a digital clock.

 

_ It's nearly three in the morning. I guess I wasn't out as long as I thought. _

 

Thinking it wasn't a good time to leave the room, Yuuri prepared to attempt sleep once again, however, a sharp whine caught his attention. The whine was followed by a series of scratches on the door and soft whimpers. 

 

_ Victor must have left Makkachin out on accident. I'll let him in. Maybe he'll help me sleep. _

 

Turning the light back on, Yuuri shuffled out of bed and over to the door. “Do you want in Makka-” He paused upon seeing the sight before him. Sprawled out on the floor in front of the bedroom door lie Victor. Makkachin sat next to him with one furry paw on his passed out owner and the other near the entrance.

 

Once the initial shock had departed, Yuuri quickly dropped down to his knees in panic.

 

_ Is he okay? Did he drink too much? Is he hurt? Is this something I did? I hope he’s just sleeping. Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no. _

 

“Victor! Victor, what's wrong? Are you okay? Are you alive? Victor,  _ please.”  _ Yuuri frantically shook the man, hoping to get some type of response. He was on the verge of another breakdown, when slender, ice cold fingers wrapped around his wrist. 

 

“What?” He mumbled softly while straining to sit up. Moving from the position he had previously been in caused a burst of pain to shoot down his back. Still not fully awake, Victor rubbed his eyes and raked his hand through his mussed hair. Then it hit him.

 

“Y-yuuri…” For a brief moment their gazes locked, each swirling with a conglomeration of emotions. “Oh god, Yuuri. Yuuri, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you earlier. I didn't know that you were so overwhelmed, I thought it was just the usual worrying, but no there is more. You probably don't want to talk right now, but I just wanted to let you know that I can't begin to explain how deeply so–”

 

“Stop. Just stop. What happened earlier was my fault. I was the one that overreacted, so stop apologizing.” Yuuri put a hand on Victor's back trying to help the other man sit properly. Victor's hair was sticking to the side of his face, and he was noticeably disheveled in general. Yuuri also saw red swelling underneath his eyes.  _ Was he crying? Recently? Maybe it is just allergies… in the middle of winter. _

 

“Yuuri, d-” Victor began only to be cut off again.

 

“No,” Yuuri murmured. “Just stop, please. You look awful, exhausted, and hardly like you need to be apologizing. I just found you out cold on the floor for goodness sake!” Something in the back of Yuuri's mind told him that he was to blame for Victor's state. That  _ he  _ should be the one asking for forgiveness. But he pushed those thoughts aside in order to address the problem in front of him. Victor was a mess.

 

“Oh?  _ I  _ look exhausted?” Victor shot back. “Clearly you haven't seen yourself.” He had a point. Dark circles rimmed the boy's eyes, and his body slumped with fatigue. Quite obviously, they were both lacking the proper rest that they needed.

 

“At least I had enough sense to get in bed. Why are you out here on the floor?” 

 

The sympathetic tone in his voice struck Victor deeply. “I was… I was waiting for you. I was hoping you'd come out so we could talk, so I could work it out with you. But you never came out, and we never talked…” The words came out clumsily in a cloud of confusion. How could he explain all of this-what he was feeling-to Yuuri who had issues of his own on top of all of this? Victor knew that his troubles couldn't even compare to Yuuri's. He had the money, the adoration, the status. He had it all. Didn’t he? No. That wasn't right. For most of his life there had been a hole in his happiness. A hole that Yuuri recently filled. Now he was putting pressure on the one person that made him complete.

 

On the other hand, Yuuri had an equal amount of guilt washing over him. Victor had done so much for him, and he repaid him by being nothing more than a burden. Deep down Yuuri knew he was overthinking things like usual, but the idea of Victor growing tired of him would not leave his mind. How could someone so accomplished, so perfect, want anything to do with him? 

 

But little did he know that his thoughts were far off from Victor’s feelings. He was staring at the exhausted boy as if he were the universe itself. The last thing Victor wanted to do was push him away. No, he wanted to pull him close and never let go. Yuuri was his future; his past was irrelevant. There was no way he could let Yuuri slip away again.

 

“I’m sorry, Victor,” Yuuri finally croaked out. “You don’t deserve this. I keep ruining things for you when you try to help and I know it has to be frustrating.” He wiped his tired eyes with the back of his hand. “It’s my fault that we’re in this mess in the first place... ”

 

It happened so fast that it took Yuuri a second to process what was going on. Victor had his arms wrapped tightly around Yuuri’s middle and his head buried in Yuuri’s shoulder. 

 

“Shut up,” the man murmured. “Stop putting yourself down, please. We all make mistakes, Yuuri, but we can’t let them get the best of us.” Victor made his fair share of mistakes throughout his life. Many of his recent ones had to do with how he treated Yuuri. There was still had a lot he had to learn about being a coach and about being in a relationship, for that matter. It had been so long since he had been even remotely close to someone in the same way he was close to Yuuri. But despite these mistakes, Victor didn’t give up, and he wasn’t about to let Yuuri either.  _ “Please.” _

 

Then the tears came. Yuuri brought his hand up to Victor’s head and stroked his messy silver hair. God, the pleading in his voice was too much to take. “I’ll stop,” he choked out, “for you.” Yuuri sunk into Victor’s embrace without any additional words. Silence was the best response.

 

“We should get some sleep,  моя любовь,” Victor whispered after several still moments. Both men pulled apart reluctantly to shuffle off to Victor’s bedroom. 

 

Makkachin followed merrily behind them, excited that his owners were getting along once again. He didn’t hesitate to jump in bed with them. Normally Victor and Yuuri would assure the dog’s preferences over their own, but tonight was a rare exception. Nothing would get between them, not even Makkachin.

 

The couple was inseparable. They spent the rest of the night in a tangle of arms and legs, too afraid to let go. The morning would bring its own issues, but for right now they didn’t have to think about that. Right now all they had to do was get lost in each other’s touch, and fall asleep knowing they were loved.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  
  


The sun did not shine as brightly that morning. So much so that the couple overslept by an hour and a half. Surprisingly, it was Yuuri who woke up first. Victor still had his arms linked firmly around Yuuri’s waist, and he had no intention of making him let go. Instead, he laid there in the dim light watching the shadows dance across Victor’s sleeping face. He had become accustomed to the silver haired man’s features softening around him, but this morning there was a certain harshness to his outline. Was he having a bad dream? Was he scared? Was something wrong? 

 

He never got to know, for two ocean eyes were staring back at him.  _ “Yuuri.”  _ The whisper was listless and airy. Just one word. One name. But there was more behind it. Assurance… pain… longing. Something like that. Something beautiful and hopeless. 

 

“Yes?” Yuuri squeaked out in a voice still weak from sleep.

 

“Stay here with me a bit longer.” Victor tugged the other man closer so that they were chest to chest.  _ Stay here with me forever,  _ was what he really wanted to say, but he knew there was too much going on for that to happen. If only the outside world could melt away, and he could stay there with Yuuri in his arms for eternity. He wanted to drown himself in Yuuri’s warmth, whispering sweet nothings into his soft hair, willing all of his bad thoughts away. His wishes were shattered by the bite of reality.

 

_ “ _ Only for a little bit _.”  _ The sound was sweet, oh so sweet, but heartbreaking at the same time. Yuuri nuzzled his head into the crook of Victor’s neck, the action feeling quite natural. “I bet we’re already late for practice.”

 

_ “Shhh.”  _ Victor lifted a hand to stroke Yuuri’s rumpled hair. “We’ll worry about that later,  моя любовь. Right now we rest.” He leaned down to press a soft kiss on the top of the drowsy boy’s head.

 

“If you say so,” Yuuri muttered, breath tickling Victor’s skin. Closing his eyes again, the sleepy skater curled up against his boyfriend’s chest.  It was amazing how they could reconnect like this after such a harsh night. 

  
  


Surrounded by the sweet hush of the overcast morning, the couple snuggled up together under the thick navy blue comforter and variety of other plush blankets Victor kept. Waking up meant that they would inevitably have to talk and attend to the countless problems waiting around the corner. Instead, they lost themselves in small acts of affection while they lie with each other. A peck on the forehead. Hands lacing together. Humming sappy songs under their breath. All of it saying  _ I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. _

 

Unfortunately, those tender moments had to come to a close. Victor shifted away from Yuuri and swung his legs over the bed. He was half tempted to pick up Yuuri, blankets and all, and place him down on the couch in an effort to keep him comfortable. However, he did what he believed was the more sensible thing and grabbed a change of clothes for the both of them. Neither had bothered to change before crawling in bed early that morning, too distracted by the situation at hand. He folded Yuuri’s set neatly and placed it on the vanity on the opposite wall where they could be seen.

 

An out-of-it grumble stopped Victor before he could exit the bedroom. Yuuri had sat up, eyes still ridden with traces of slumber. “Victor? Are you leaving?” He rubbed his face with his sleeve, as if it could wipe off his crestfallen expression.

 

Victor walked back over to the bed and took Yuuri’s hand in his own. “I’m just going to take Makkachin on a walk and maybe pick up some breakfast.” He pressed a tender kiss onto Yuuri’s knuckle. “I promise I will be back as soon as possible, okay?”

 

Yuuri nodded, still put out that Victor was leaving so soon. At least it would give him time to think about what he would say when he got back. There were so many things he wished he could let out right then and there, but there was a time and place for everything. Directly after a sickeningly sweet morning was not the right time.

 

“I’ll make sure to bring my phone, so just text me if you need anything.” Victor gave Yuuri one extra peck on the cheek for good measure before heading off with Makkachin. 

 

Morning walks helped him clear his mind.This morning in particular, a clear mind would be beneficial. Snippets of the previous night would replay themselves in the man’s head, becoming quite bothersome. He desperately needed to talk to Yuuri. Maybe once he did, the clenching feeling in his chest would disappear. 

 

Yuuri loved him. He knew that for a fact. Anyone who was anyone knew that for a fact. It was also evident that Yuuri trusted Victor, but why did he always hold back? Come to think of it, Yuuri’s spurts of boldness had nearly dissipated since he arrived in Russia. Fearless declarations of love and daring actions that were frequently seen before and during the Grand Prix were now non existent. It was as if he were scared to connect himself with Victor, both physically and emotionally. The big question, though, was why? After everything they had gone through together, why was he so distant now? Something wasn’t right. Victor took a deep breath.

 

_ I really need to talk to him about this when I get back. For now, I just need to put all of that aside and lighten my mood. _

 

It was exceptionally hard to lighten up when a patchwork of emotions were prodding at your brain. Each building, each street, each bench on the sidewalk looked the same as always. Normally, this familiar route helped him purge any thoughts floating around his mind, but that was not the case today. It was impossible to push Yuuri out of his head. The drop of his voice when he was talking to his mother. How torn up he was over yesterday’s argument. His wide brown eyes looking over him as if he were made of glass. _ Yuuri, Yuuri, Yuuri.  _ Everything was Yuuri. He needed him. Needed to help him. Needed to comfort him. Needed to love him. 

 

“Makkachin,” the man called. The aged poodle turned around and tilted his head. “I think we should go home now.” Victor kneeled down to briefly pet the dog’s head before walking back to the apartment. He may not have been able to clear his mind, but he had mustered up more motivation to talk to Yuuri. As he walked back, the sights and sounds of St. Petersburg blended together once more, not phasing Victor in the least. He didn’t even bat an eyelash at Galya’s snide remarks as he walked into the apartment complex. Nothing would get in the way of his primary concern: Yuuri… 

 

…who was crying with a cup of tea when he walked in the door. As fast as humanly possible, Victor unclipped Makkachin from his leash and rushed over to the distressed ball huddled on the couch.

 

“ _Yuuri....”_ His voice cracked and any shred of happiness he once had dissipated.  “Yuuri what’s the matter? Did something happen?” Victor swaddled his partner in a soothing embrace, softly shushing him as the sobs racked his body. “Yuuri, darling, take deep breaths. Talk to me, please,” Victor managed to croak out. This was too much. He could already feel his throat constrict, now tears threatened to escape. Without thinking, Victor took the tea from Yuuri’s hand, set it on the coffee table, and pulled the boy to his chest. _“Please.”_

 

A few more choked cries escaped before Yuuri was able to partially compose himself. “I-I’m sorry V-Victor,” he sniffled. “I shouldn’t… shouldn’t have treated you like-like th-that last night. I could-couldn’t stop thinking about it while you were gone. I’m sorry… so sorry… “ The Japanese skater grasped the other man’s shirt, burying his face in the soft fabric. “Why-why do you even let me st-stay?”   
  


“Oh,  моя любовь,” Victor murmured before pressing little kisses to his temple. “Don’t say things like that, doubting yourself. You are here because I love you and I want what is best for you.” He sighed and pulled him closer. “But lately I feel like I haven’t been able to do that.” Gently, he lifted up Yuuri’s chin, wanting to look at him directly. “What can I do to fix that?”

 

_ Wide eyes.  _ Those same wide eyes from this morning looked back, glassed over from tears. “No. Victor no.” With hesitant hands he cupped the man’s face. “This-this is not your fault. I’m just stressed and I d-don’t know how to deal with i-it. I kept it in and let it out on you but I see tha-that now and I’m so sorry. You don’t deserve to deal with my shit.” 

 

“But I’ll keep dealing with it. You deal with my shit all the time so that only seems fair, right?”  Victor laid his hands over Yuuri’s and pulled them down. “But in all honesty,  _ you  _ do not deserve to cry as much as you do. I know that it is good to let it all out sometimes, but I bet if I froze all of your tears from the past year I would be able to skate on them. You have been able to make me, the most emotionally clueless man, know how to help when someone cries. Before I would just freeze up and say something worthy of sticking my foot in my mouth.” 

 

It was true. Talented as he may be, Victor Nikiforov was typically not one to speak a word of condolence. That is until Yuuri, one of the most emotional people to ever walk this Earth, stumbled into his life. Through trial and (an abundance of) error did he have to learn how to manage everything. Thankfully, Phichit was always happy to walk Victor through the different aspects of Yuuri’s anxiety and how to comfort him. Yet, he still felt like he was failing to improve anything. Yuuri’s breakdowns were gaining frequency and intensity and Victor did not know exactly why as long as his boyfriend withheld it from him. Victor wanted to ask and ask and ask until he was given some definite answer, but for right now, all he could do was hold the shaking boy and hope he would open up. 

 

He brushed a piece of Yuuri’s tear soaked bangs away from his face. “I want to help  _ you.  _ I want to see you be happy, I want to hear you laugh, I want to see that smile, that beautiful smile that lights up the world. Most importantly, I want what is best for you. Never forget that I will always,  _ always  _ be here for you for anything. Don't be afraid to ask, either. And if you ever want me to give you your space I can. Just….I….” Victor paused and stared up at the ceiling. “I feel like I haven't been focusing on your needs as much as I should be and that has to change.”

 

Nothing was said in return. Yuuri didn’t want to attempt to counter back; Victor would only put a stop to it anyway. But why did he? Yuuri managed to make a mess out of things, not him. So why was he being apologetic? It wasn’t him. It  _ never was  _ him. At least that’s what Yuuri thought, but he was starting to second guess himself. No. That was wrong. This couldn’t be about Victor. Right? Victor… Victor had given him everything! A renewed determination, excellent training,  _ love _ . There was absolutely no way Victor was involved in this. Well, maybe the stress of Victor  dragging him to Russia away from everything he had ever known. But even that was generous! Besides, Yuuri was always stressed about something or the other. Like being in intense social situations with people he barely knew outside of skating… which was also partially linked to Victor. Okay, so Victor was a factor in this after all, but not a big one. Yuuri just yearned for someone to see right through his white lies and false smiles, and he thought Victor would be that person. He was getting better, he really was, yet Yuuri still felt like there was a part of his boyfriend that was just so damn oblivious. Maybe he was wrong. Maybe Victor  _ did  _ know and he was the oblivious one. Hopefully that was the case. But what if it wasn’t? What then?

Yuuri’s thoughts swirled around endlessly, each one more ridiculous than the last. In the end, his brain was muddled with twisted facts and false concepts, blowing the issue way out of proportion. The rapid thumping in the man’s chest and cold sweat pricking his neck was a clear warning that he needed to calm down or things would only get worse. 

 

“You’re shaking, Yuuri,” Victor whispered, clutching his partner’s unsteady hand. “Take deep breaths and try to calm down. You are overworking yourself.” He shifted over, leaving Yuuri to his side of the couch. “I’ll give you your space if you need it. I probably shouldn’t have smothered you right off the bat. I’ll be more careful next time.” The man recoiled his hand only for Yuuri to take it back again.

 

“You-you don’t have to.” Soon Yuuri found his head resting on Victor’s lap. “This actually helps me quite a bit,”he added quietly.

 

A tender grin played on Victor’s lips. “Then stay all you want, моя любовь. We can stay like this all day if you want. There is no way we are going to practice today anyway.” It was at least 10:30 already, and as far as Victor knew, neither of them had eaten anything. During his walk with Makkachin, he had totally forgotten about picking up breakfast. Oops. Thankfully there was the remainder of morning to sort that out...amongst other things. 

 

One of those other things happened to be the anxious little ball of a boy lying across his lap, causing his leg to fall asleep. He had planned on having a proper conversation once he returned, but that obviously didn’t happen. Yuuri was full of surprises, and not all of them were the good type. None of this caused Victor’s love for the man to to falter, though. Nothing, not even complicated situations such as this, could get in the way of that. Katsuki Yuuri was his everything, and he wasn’t about to let that go. If that meant he had to fumble through awkward conversations, endure Phichit’s antics to acquire information, bear with the world’s overbearing opinions, or give up skating entirely just to hold onto Yuuri, he would do it in a heartbeat. There was no doubt in his mind. That is how he came to his conclusion.

 

“Yuuri, I think we should take a break.”

 

Yuuri’s head popped off of Victor’s knee in a flash. “WHAT? WHY? Did-did I do something wrong? I mean I totally understand if you don’t want me here but I th-”

 

“No not like  _ that. _ ” Victor sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, letting out a soft curse. “Poor choice of words on my part. What I meant, was that we should take a break from training this week, until you can get settled in. I rushed you into this, so the least I can do is try my best to patch up the mess I made.”

 

“What? Victor this is risky! Competitions are coming up and I could use every ounce of practice I could get, and you know this. I had one breakdown, but I’ll be fine. I promise! I don’t want to put everything we’ve worked so hard for in danger just because I can’t get myself together.” Using the cushion as a support, Yuuri pushed himself up to face Victor.

 

“ _ One _ breakdown? Yuuri, ever since you got here I could tell you were uneasy at best. At first I thought it was just your normal nervousness, but an outburst and several crying sessions later I learned that wasn’t the case.” Victor, too, shifted to see Yuuri better. “The part of me that is your coach knows too much stress can take a toll on your body and lower the quality of your performance.. The part of me that is your boyfriend wants you to be comfortable and happy here.” Leaning over, he placed a quick peck on the tip of his partner’s nose. “Is that so unreasonable?”

 

“No.” Yuuri looked down, folding his hands in his lap. “I… I don’t want to let you down, that’s all.”

 

An exasperated sigh escaped the Russian man’s mouth. “What am I going to do with you, моя любовь? Come here.” he opened his arms, inviting Yuuri into a much desired hug. Thankfully, he was craving the embrace just as much. “The only way you could ever let me down was if you gave up, never give up, Yuuri. Never doubt yourself. You are every bit of amazing as people say you are and more, and if someone disagrees they will have to go through me.”

 

Yuuri stammered out a shy, “I love you,” before nuzzling himself into Victor’s body.

 

“I love you too,” Victor replied, devotion swimming in his eyes. This felt better. Not the best, but better. He had managed to get most of what he wanted to say off of his chest, and the lifted weight also lifted his spirits. Yes, there was much more to be discussed, but he was content with this for the time being. “Is there anything you want to do today?”

 

“Eat.” 

 

The single word was Yuuri’s only response, yet it threw Victor into a state of panic. In his daze, he had totally forgotten to pick up breakfast like he promised. Then he had forgotten  _ again.  _  Adding to his dilemma, it was nearly 10:45 and neither of them had eaten a thing. Now his poor Yuuri was probably starved and likely dehydrated from all of the crying. However, a stroke of genius fell upon the man. Tea! Yuuri was holding a cup of tea when he came home. Maybe that could hold him over while he thought up about how to explain the lack of breakfast. Balancing Yuuri on his chest, Victor leaned over to see if he could reach the mug sitting on the coffee table. Through his strong will and commendable flexibility, he managed to grab the mug without spilling its contents. Unfortunately, the liquid was lukewarm at best. Not acceptable at all. Time to fess up.

 

“Yuuri, I’m an idiot and forgot to pick breakfast up now it is almost lunchtime. I can try to make something real quick because you are probably famished. I’ll also make you some more tea because we talked and yours got cold, and-”

 

Never would Victor have thought a pair of chapped lips wet with old tears could feel nice unless they were Yuuri’s. Luckily for him, they were.

 

“Don’t worry about it. We both had a lot on our minds this morning so I completely understand. I’ll get off of you so you can get up. Maybe we can make breakfast together this time?” It wasn’t that Yuuri doubted Victor’s culinary abilities, he was a grown man after all, but hearing the cooking excursions of Victor Nikiforov from the mouths of his rinkmates did raise some concern. So did whatever the hell he made yesterday. Okay maybe he had a little doubt… _ just a little. _

 

“That sounds like fun!” Victor chimed with a cheery smile. “I’m sorry I have to make you move, though.”

 

“We have all week, don’t we? I’m sure I’ll be lazy at least one of those days,” Yuuri returned. A week was a long time where training was concerned. A week could be the difference between being confident with a routine and being an utter trainwreck on the ice. Okay, maybe not  _ that  _ much, but it sure felt like that to Yuuri. Yes, getting accustomed to the changes in the new city was great and all, but his first and foremost concern would remain his skating. Despite his apprehension, Yuuri knew there was no way he could convince Victor to rethink his plan. Once that man had an idea, he was dead set on it. There was no way you could change his mind. At least without a bottle of champagne being involved.

 

“Ah, that is true.” Once Yuuri had moved over, Victor stood up and stretched. Soon after, Yuuri followed in a similar manner, walking towards the kitchen. “Let’s see what we manage to make from all of this.” Victor gestured to the fridge which they had stocked up the previous day. 

 

The rest of the morning was filled with cooking, giggles, and some dancing on Victor’s part. Under Yuuri’s watchful eye, not a single bit of food was burnt or deemed inedible. They ate their breakfast in a mood steeped in bliss and drizzled in honey. Both men acted as if everything from earlier had ever happened, and it was probably for the best.

 

Breakfast was succeeded by Yuuri being lifted up and carried to the couch, where he would be squished against Victor for the next hour. The couple turned on the TV and watched an episode of some cheesy soap opera Victor was obsessed with (thank goodness for subtitles).

 

Once that was over, Victor kissed the top of Yuuri’s head and took hold of his hands. “What do you want to do today, dear?” Victor had a few ideas of his own, but considering everything, this should be Yuuri’s choice. To his dismay, his partner’s only answer was a grunt and an awkward half shrug. “Come on, darling, there has to be something you want to do.”

 

“I would be just fine lying here with you today.”

 

For a second Victor thought his heart may actually melt.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

**Phichit:**

Wyd?

 

**Me:**

Going crazy but i also fell nice

 

**Me:**

*Feel

 

**Phichit:**

Pls explain

 

**Me:**

I told you about victor and me’s 

fight right?

 

**Phichit:**

Yes….

 

**Phichit:**

Oh no it didnt happen

again did it???

 

**Me:**

NO!!! 

 

**Me:**

But we talked about some 

stuff and he thought it be

best if i took a break from

                                                                                                       practice this week. it’s nice

and all but im going nuts in 

this apartment because i 

know i really need to be

training for comps rn!!!!

 

**Phichit:**

Did u talk to him about it??

 

**Me:**

Kind of???

 

**Phichit:**

YUURI!!!! NOT TALKING

IS WHAT GOT U INTO   
TROUBLE THE FIRST 

TIME!!!! \\(O∆O)/

 

**Me:**

I dont want him to think

i am questioning his 

decisions as my coach.

what if i make him mad??

he just wants to help me!!

**Phichit:**

Yuuri darling u are my best 

friend and i love you but

you rlly need to stop seeing

victor as this untouchable

man who won’t understand

what you are feeling.

 

**Phichit:**

And i have to agree with him

on this one u deserve a break,

and knowing how great u are

at skating i think youll be fine

but if it bothers you just talk 

to him!!!

 

**Me:**

What would i do without

                                                                                     you?

 

**Phichit:**

¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

It had been four days since Yuuri stepped foot in the ice rink, and he convinced himself that he was going insane. Not that he didn’t like spending time with Victor, that part was absolutely amazing, he was just worried that he wouldn’t be able to catch up on his training. Competitions  were creeping closer, yet Yuuri felt as if he were drifting farther away from his priorities.  

 

No. He needed to stop thinking like this. Compromising your mental health solely for your career was not a good thing. Yes, skating was extremely important, but so was his sanity. Maybe Victor and Phichit were right afterall. A break was the best thing for him. Thanks to multiple trips out with Victor, Yuuri was starting to become accustomed to St. Petersburg. Although he barely knew any Russian (those online courses he had taken years ago had been long forgotten) and there were still some cultural aspects he had to get used to, Yuuri could finally see himself living in the bustling city. That is, as long as Victor was there with him.

 

“Hey, Yuuri!” Speak of the devil. “I have a few errands I need to run today. The official duties that come with being your coach and whatnot. I’m sorry I didn’t warn you sooner, but you know how I can be.” The man chuckled and left a kiss on Yuuri’s cheek. “I probably won’t be back until tonight, 9 maybe 10 o’clock? I’m really sorry, моя любовь. I hate leaving you alone all afternoon. I’d much rather be here.” With a sigh, he plopped down on the couch next to Yuuri, clinging onto him like a child to a blanket.

 

“It’s fine, Victor. You are a busy man.” Looking over at the display his boyfriend was putting on, Yuuri started to wonder if he was dating a world renowned figure skater or a lost little puppy. “I’ll be here waiting for you when you get home.”

 

“I know, but I’ll miss you.” Victor sat up to kiss Yuuri’s forehead this time, gaining a laugh from the latter.

 

“You are such a sap, sometimes. Now go before you’re late for whatever it is you have to do. Doting on me is not exactly the best excuse, now is it?” 

 

Reluctantly, Victor pulled himself away from Yuuri, but not without stealing one final kiss beforehand. Yes, he was a sap. No, he did not care. “I’ll make sure to text you when I’m on my way back.” With that final message conveyed, Victor walked out of the door, locking it behind him.

 

Yuuri slumped down in his chair. Now he was now bored  _ and _ alone. Fantastic. He couldn’t blame Victor, though. After taking Yuuri in, the poor thing barely had time for himself. All things considered, Yuuri had no right to complain about his absence. Instead, he would silently suffer and sulk around the apartment.

 

Unless….no. He wouldn’t do it. He _couldn’t_ do it. Could he? Go against his coach’s direct instruction. Not even if he really, really, really, really, really wanted to because he was going mad inside of this icebox of an apartment. Besides, how would he pull it off? Despite the trips with Victor, he isn’t that familiar with the city, nor does he have an extensive knowledge of Russian phrases. Not to mention that it was stupid cold out there. Yeah, Russia isn’t supposed to be the warmest place on the planet, but it wasn’t supposed to be like this either. According to Google, that is. Occupation considered, the cold was the least of his problems. 

This outlandish idea, on the other hand, was something Yuuri needed to purge out of his mind before he actually considered it… okay maybe it was too late for that. Yuuri wasn’t exactly sure where he wanted to go, but he knew he needed out. All right that was a lie too. He knew right where he wanted to go: the one place Victor told him not to. It was 3:32 P.M., if he left now he could get there around 3:50. That would give him about four and a half hours to practice and get back to the apartment before Victor. 

 

There was still one problem. Yakov knew that they wouldn’t be at the rink that week. It would be awfully suspicious if Yuuri showed up by himself when he was supposed to be taking a week off. Cursing to himself, Yuuri got off of the couch and began to pack his things anyway. Nothing was going to get in the way of his plan. He could find some way to convince Yakov that he was there with Victor’s permission. Yeah, that’s it!.

 

When Yuuri finished packing he slung his bag of stuff over his shoulder and turned to Makkachin, who had been napping on the couch. He leaned down to stroke the dog’s ears. “I have to go for a little bit.” Makkachin whined. “I promise to come back okay? Be a good boy for me.”

 

Yuuri took his set of keys and left.

 

______________________________________________________________________________

 

“WHAT WAS THAT SLOPPY LANDING FOR? We don’t have enough time for you to start slacking now!” 

 

The teen disregarded his coach’s yelling. Yuri could have sworn he saw someone slip through the door. Not paying attention to Yakov, he skated over to the edge of the rink to get a better look.The rest of the team had taken a half day, aka Yakov wanted to work with his defiant pupil without distractions. When he directed his attention to the entrance, nobody was in sight, but the door was slightly ajar. Someone else was definitely here.

 

“YURA ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME ANYMORE?”

 

Annoyed, Yuri rolled his eyes. “QUIT YOUR YAPPING FOR JUST A SECOND!” He turned to look at his coach. “We are the only ones scheduled to be here right now, yes?” he asked with a little less venom in his voice.

 

“I made sure of it. Everyone else left hours ago. Now stop asking dumb questions and redo that segment!”

 

Continuing to ignore his coach, Yuri his was over to exit of the rink, and grabbed the set of skate guards lying the edge. Quickly putting them on, the teen stormed off to investigate. He didn’t get very far before falling. Still, the boy marched on in search of the intruder. Just when he was about to search the locker rooms (and when Yakov was about to lose the rest of his hair) a familiar face came into view. 

 

_ What is that pig doing here? _

 

“Oh, hello Yurio. Is everything all-all right? You look like you’re on a mission.” Yuuri looked on either side of him, a nervous expression on his face.

 

_ Stupid pig bumbling about and assuming things. Why the hell does he look scared to death? I can’t even stand looking at him like this. I knew all of that confidence he shows at competitions is fake. He shouldn’t even be here, that idiot. _

 

“First of all, stop calling me Yurio. Second of all, what the hell are you doing here? Weren’t you and that old man taking a week off to do god only knows what?” Yuri crossed his arms. He came all the way out here just to deal with this mess of a human being! Now the man in question looked even more like a nervous wreck.

 

“I, well, got bored. Victor had to go out for a little bit, so I convinced him to let me come here while he was gone.” Yuuri was particularly proud of his fabricated answer. It was reasonable and sounded like the truth. He even made sure not to add too many random details that would cloud the credibility of the story. All was well. Then Yakov came over.

 

“Really? Vitya is not one for changing his mind so easily.” Yakov’s stone-like gaze drilled into Yuuri’s soul. He did have a point, but Yuuri had a better one.

 

“Yes, but I can persuade him in ways you can’t.” Pushing down the embarrassment of that statement, Yuuri smiled and started walking past the two Russians blocking his path.

 

“I did reserve the rest of the day just for Yura so he could practice by himself,” Yakov added. Yuuri stopped in his tracks. “But I’ll let you stay, Katsuki. Not everyone can defy a Nikiforov. We’ll only be here for another hour or two, so stay out of our way for then. You can have the place to yourself after then. Just make sure you lock the place up before nine”

 

That was easy. Almost too easy. Instead of over analyzing the situation as he usually did, Yuuri was going to accept this as an unexpected act of kindness. “Thank you, Mr. Feltsman. I really appreciate it. I’ll make sure to stay clear until you two leave.” Even with the slight setback, Yuuri was still able to train on the sidelines. He could do some stretching, jog around the rink, and maybe even watch Yurio for a bit. Everything was going to work out fine. 

 

One hour easily melted into two. Before long, it was time for the coach and his wayward pupil to take their leave.

 

“Oi, katsudon! We are getting ready to go. Victor gave you his pair of keys, right?” Yuri glared at the other man from across the room, tapping his foot in an irritated fashion.

 

Every ounce of color drained from Yuuri’s face.  _ Shit.  _ Somehow, he had totally overlooked the fact that Victor had keys to the rink that he probably should have brought with. That would have been impossible, though! He didn’t even know what key it was without asking Victor, which would definitely put the plan in danger.  _ Everything will be okay.  _ The man repeated this phrase to himself while he concocted yet another lie. 

 

“HEY!” Yuri pointed an accusing finger. “I ASKED YOU A QUESTION! ANSWER ME PIG!”

 

Putting on an act, Yuuri threw his head back and huffed. “I knew I was forgetting when I left!” He buried his face in his palms, releasing a drawn out sigh. “I’m an idiot.”

 

By this time, Yuri had walked over. Maybe close proximity could pump up the intensity of his scowl. “Shut up, I’m the only one that is allowed to call you an idiot.” He searched around in his pockets for a minute before producing a keyring that only held three keys. “I was waiting until Victor came back so I could rub it in his smug face, but these are mine. I always end up running into you two losers so just give them back when I see you next. If you don’t, you’re ass is getting kicked, you hear?” Yuri shoved the keys into the other Yuuri’s hand. “Back door, maintenance door, and front door. Make sure all of them are locked. The rest already should be, but if you leave a single one of those unlocked, I will also make sure to kick your ass.” 

 

“YURA! YOU BETTER BE OUT OF HERE IN FIVE MINUTES, IF NOT I’M LEAVING YOU!” Yakov barked. Was the man ever quiet?

 

Finally paying some mind to his coach, Yuri made his way to the exit. “You owe me one. Katsuki! Remember that!”

 

Keeping Yurio’s words in mind, Yuuri sat down on a nearby bench and put on his skates. Finally, he could unwind.

 

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

**Shitty Old Man:**

u love me Yura <3

 

**Me:**

excuse me but i have something

                                                                              called self respect

 

**Shitty Old Man:**

;-;

  
  


**______Today_______**

  
  


**Me:**

next time remind your stupid

boyfriend to take his keys to 

 the rink so he doesnt have to 

                                                                                  borrow mine.

 

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

The first thing he noticed was that it hurt. Not the normal type of hurt when you fell, but the excruciating pain that shot up his arm if he put too much pressure on it. It wasn’t broken, he could still move it, but it had to be a nasty sprain. The second thing he noticed was the time. It was thirty minutes after the time he planned to leave. Yuuri must have lost track of time while burying his worries in the ice.

 

The next thirty minutes were a blur of panic. Not a single brace or sling could be found in any of the first aid kits. Yuuri knew that there had to be one somewhere, but he didn’t have time. A bandage wrapped around his arm to apply compression would have to work for now. If he wore his jacket over it, Victor might not notice. He could take a shower later and pretend the injury was because he slipped. Something like that. Once that was sorted out, he had to race around to collect his things, turn off the lights, and lock the place up. It was almost eerie being there alone in the dark, especially when he knew he should be home instead. 

 

Speaking of home, Yuuri was now an hour behind schedule. Seeing that he missed his bus by quite some time, the skater settled for a taxi. His thoughts swarmed around during the entirety of the ride. There was no way he could beat Victor home. The text he had received ten minutes ago confirmed this. He’d just have to come up with another excuse. No, it was a lie. Everything was becoming a lie, damnit. Right when he thought he was going to start being open and honest with Victor, he is sitting in a taxi thinking of ways to lie to him. It was wrong, so horribly wrong. Not only wrong, but bad for the both of them, not to mention their relationship. It had to stop. This was the last time.

 

Guilt weighed upon Yuuri even as he entered the apartment complex and faced  Galya’s questioning stare. Doing his best to avoid the woman, Yuuri rushed to the elevator and hoped that Victor had not arrived yet.  _ This is the last time,  _ he kept telling himself.  _ This is the last- _

 

Victor’s face said it all. He knew. “You were there, weren’t you?” Slowly he stood up from his spot on the couch, arms crossed and face fallen. 

 

“Victor… Victor I can explain everything I swear. I wasn’t try to go against-”

 

“I’m not mad that you went, Yuuri. If you would have told me how much you wanted to practice, I would have arranged something, but you did it behind my back. Snuck off when I wasn’t home. Yuuri, I was worried sick. I thought something happened to you, until Yura texted me something about you being at the rink.” Victor shook his head, the pain on his face evident. “Yuuri, I just want you to talk to me. I don’t want you to be afraid to voice your opinion. Actually, I want to hear what you want to say. I want to know what you are feeling. When you don’t…” Victor paused and took a deep breath in an effort to keep his emotions under control. “When you don’t talk to me I feel like you don’t trust me, or I’m not-not good enough. You know? I-I haven't been good enough for a lot of people, but I tho-” The words caught on his throat before he could finish.

 

The last few years were hard to say the least. The man had been battling with something not many would expect someone with his high status: loneliness. Competitions, publicity, interviews, all of it had consumed his life. Skating, the very activity he was once passionate about, was drowning him, distancing him from all of those he cared about. Relationships crumbled. Friends drifted further and further away. Victor was alone in this dull world he had built himself. At his lowest, he started to think he had nothing left to live for. That he was merely floating along to maintain a face for the crowd. His life wasn’t his anymore.

 

The night in Sochi changed everything. Katsuki Yuuri drunkenly stumbled into his life, bringing an abundance of color with him. For a moment, Victor’s smiles weren’t forced. His laughs were genuine. Something about this peculiar man warmed his heart, revived the life that once pulsed through him. A light shined, and Victor called it hope. The days following the banquet were filled with fervent searching and high hopes… until he found out that Yuuri would not be in any competitions with him. He was back to square one, smothered in darkness. Of course, right when he thought things would get better, reality delivered a rude awakening. 

 

But just when Victor believed his light was burnt out, someone stirred the coals. A video. A video with an angel. Chris laughed at him when he called it fate, but Victor could find no better word. He didn’t even think twice when he booked that flight to Japan. It was one of the best decisions he ever made. 

 

From that day forward, Victor felt his life actually becoming his again. After years and years of letting the ice freeze his heart, Victor was warm again.  He still felt that way, but Yuuri, oh Yuuri. Something had changed, and Victor couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault. 

 

“I thought maybe this time I would be,”he finished, barely getting the words out before he broke down in tears. He couldn’t bear the thought that Yuuri might be becoming like he used to be. Maybe the spotlight was just too much. It was in his case.

 

“Victor, Victor no,” Yuuri replied in a breathy whisper. “You-you have always been enough.” Hesitating at first, Yuuri reached out to hug Victor, in case his words failed him. “I’m-I’m sorry I made you fe-feel like that.” His voice trembled as he tried to keep from overflowing in a similar manner. 

 

He knew it. He just knew it. He was making Victor unhappy. Disappointing him. Breaking his heart even. The only times Yuuri had witnessed Victor Nikiforov cry was around him. What if this became a common thing? What if he was causing Victor more trouble than he was helping him? Was their love really enough? Would Victor be better off without him? Should he leave?

 

Victor latched onto Yuuri as if it were the last time they would be able to see each other. “I love you, Yuuri,” he managed to get out. “I love you more than anything in world, but I’m worried about you.” As soon as the words escaped his mouth, Victor noticed the bandage wrapped tightly around Yuuri’s wrist. Fear welled up in the man’s chest.

 

_ He wasn’t...he didn’t? Did he? I knew he was getting bad but not… like that. Why would he want to hurt himself? That doesn’t sound like my Yuuri, but how do you explain that?I really hope...I can’t…Was I that blind?  _

 

“Yuuri, Yuuri what is that?” He spewed out frantically, eyes glued to the injury.

 

“It’s-It’s nothing. I’m fine.” Yuuri’s eyes widened and he felt the panic rise. He attempted to pull his jacket back over his arm. If Victor knew that got hurt while skating alone, there was no way he’d allow him to get back on the ice any time soon. Slowly, Yuuri backed away from his coach, the dread seeming to take control of his actions.

 

“No, I saw something. I saw  _ that.”  _ Victor pointed at the poorly hidden bandages. “Don’t lie.” His eyes, still glassy from tears, were ridden with worry.

 

“No...no…” Yuuri continued to back away, shaking his head in denial. “No… no… it’s nothing,” he lied once more. “It’s not what-”

 

“Yuuri, god Yuuri, you don’t have to do this. Just, just let me see. I can-I can try to help. Please let me see.” Victor reached out to take Yuuri’s hand, sincerely wanting to help his troubled love, but his love did not seem to want help.

 

It all happened in such a blur. 

 

A push.

 

A trip.

 

A fall.

 

A crack.

 

A scream.

 

A mistake.

  
A terrible mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 1.I'm not dead y'all *confetti* I just lost my inspiration and will to write for a while. It sucked. But guess what? I HAVE IT BACK
> 
> 2\. I may have my will to write back, buuuuuut I have a lot going on right now. I'm going to be scrambling all of December ugh. Hopefully, I can get right back on track after that.
> 
> 3\. I hope your ready for the angst train because it's gonna hit hard pretty soon (unless my sappy ass stops it lol)Imma have to put my big girl panties on and push through the pain I inflict upon myself
> 
> 4\. I kind of finished this chapter in a rush and editing sucked. I might look back for typos later. Besides that, though, I felt like this chapter was kind of choppy and men, but I am biased.
> 
> 5\. My Basic Bitch™ song lyric title was from the song "I'm In Here" by Sia 
> 
> That's all! Thanks for reading!!!!


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